I feel nauseous having this text interaction with my oldest sister. She ended it by stating, "I can't be empathetic to your feelings" and I replied, "no shit".
OMG... I go right back to Step One... I think I will always recycle back to Step One. I think (???) most people do. Guess that's a question for my sponsor. It's bad enough that it's my kids but it's entire family that just non-stop silences me and throws me away like I'm nothing. Yes, I'm tired of it... AND again why I need Step One and Parental Alienation Anonymous.
STEP ONE of Parental Alienation Anonymous
We admitted we were powerless over PEOPLE (Our alienator, our children and any other relationships)—that our lives had become unmanageable.
PRIOR TO Parental Alienation Anonymous:
Before Parental Alienation Anonymous (PA-A), we kept ourselves busy seeking solutions for the alienator (child, parent, spouse, etc.). When what we were trying to accomplish wasn’t succeeding, we told ourselves to work harder or to try something else. We may even have told ourselves; it was our fault if we couldn’t convince the alienator (child, parent, spouse, etc.) to get help. If we could only find the right words at the right time, relayed in just the right tone of voice, then maybe we could get the alienator to see things our way.
Desperate to fulfill our dreams for a happy family life, we thought that devoting all our energy to the problem was the answer. Little did we know we were actually contributing to the problem by trying to force solutions.
IN PAA WE LEARN:
That nothing we say or do can cause or stop someone else’s ALIENATING behavior.
We are not responsible for another person’s disease or recovery from it.
Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people
Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another’s recovery
Not to do for others what they can do for themselves
Not to manipulate situations so others will be nice, eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, or behave as we see fit
Not to cover up for another’s mistakes or misdeeds
Not to create a crisis
Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events
By learning to focus on ourselves, our attitudes and well-being improve. We allow the alienators in our lives to experience the consequences of their own actions.
In Parental Alienation Anonymous (PA-A), we learn that we didn’t cause the alienation in our lives, we can’t control it, and we can’t cure it. If we are trying to force solutions, we can remember “Easy Does It.” Though we can’t expect our lives to always be easy, the slogan suggests that everything doesn’t have to be so hard all the time either. “Easy Does It” reminds us to be gentle with ourselves.
We don’t have to try harder or do better. We have tried long and hard enough. Though we may not be able to change the alienator (child, parent, spouse, etc.), we discover there is one person we can change – ourselves.
We learn to address the stress, fear, anxiety, powerlessness and hopelessness that parental alienation causes, we slowly start to regain our balance and learn how to embrace life under these incredibly trying circumstances. It is a process, not an event
Recovery means living life on life’s terms, facing pains and fears. In our alienation, we sometimes felt like helpless victims.
Recovery means gaining or regaining the power to see our options, to make careful choices in our lives.
Recovery means rebuilding trust with ourselves, a gradual process that requires much motivation and support.
As we learn and practice careful self-honesty, self-care, and self-expression, we gain authenticity, perspective, peace and empowerment.
By concentrating on healing ourselves emotionally, spiritually and physically, we are acknowledging that we are important, lovable and that the work to heal the family system needs to start with us, the individual.
As we learn new coping mechanisms, new ways to communicate and other life skills, we start to transform our lives.
By learning to focus on ourselves, our attitudes and well-being improve.
We learn that detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. Separating ourselves from the adverse effects of another person’s ALIENATION can be a means of detaching: this does not necessarily require physical separation.
Detachment can help us look at our situations realistically and objectively.
Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another’s behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We can still love the person without liking the behavior.
