Help M to Find Her Way to Come Back Home
by World-Known PA Expert Karen Woodall
also read these articles
Homecoming: The Paths & Pitfalls of Reunification With Lost Loved Ones
Clearing a Path to Your Door:
A Structural Therapeutic Approach
to Help Older Children to Come Home
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People who ask me how to help their children come home are often surprised when I tell them that half of the work they need to do to make that happen has already been done.
This is because when a parent can ask the question ‘how do I help them come home?’ they have recognized two very important things:
1. Their child needs help to come home
2. They, as the healthy parent, have immense power to assist them to do so.
This can sound obtuse to those whose children seem rigidly distanced and fixed in their rejection and so I am going to unpack it for you in this piece to help you understand the power of what is a very simple mindshift.
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As a rejected parent you have been the recipient of your child’s negative projections since the point at which they entered into the splitting reaction and began to reject you as a result.
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Splitting is an unconscious act. It is a defense mechanism which occurs when a child can no longer hold two realities in mind and it causes the child to split off part of their own self, which is identified with you and make that part unconscious.
Think of it like putting the part of self which is identified with you in the dustbin of the mind. It is an action which then allows the child to treat you as if you are dirt/rubbish/disposable.
This is because the child is now unable to consciously feel the loving feelings they had for you, those feelings are now disposed of along with the part of self which identifies with you.
Instead of being able to FEEL those feelings, what happens is the child projects them (sees them in other people rather than experiencing them in their own internal landscape).
The positive loving feelings are projected at one parent and the negative feelings of hatred and anger are projected at the other.
The parent who receives the negative projection is the parent who the child believes is the parent they hate and the parent who receives the positive projections, is the parent the child believes they love.
This is the child’s lived experience. The child feels this inside which means that to some extent that feeling is real to the child.
What this feeling really is, however, is a maladaptation of the child’s attachment relationships. It is an imposed maladaptation and it is caused by traumatic impact on the child by pressure from somewhere in the family system.
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We know that children adapt their behaviors to avoid being abandoned. Bowlby told us clearly in his research that the child’s primary goal is to maintain attachment relationships at all costs.
Bowlby (1958) proposed that attachment can be understood within an evolutionary context in that the caregiver provides safety and security for the infant. Attachment is adaptive as it enhances the infant’s chance of survival.
Bowlby, J. (1958). The nature of the childs tie to his mother. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 39, 350-371.
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We also know that splitting is an infantile defense mechanism that is recognized by object relations. - Clinician Donald Winnicott in his work with children
Central to object relations theory is the notion of splitting, which can be described as the mental separation of objects into “good” and “bad” parts and the subsequent repression of the “bad,” or anxiety-provoking, aspects.
Winnicott, D. W (1989). The Concept of Trauma. In C. Winnicott, R. Shepard, and M. David (eds.), Psycho-Analytic Explorations, pp 130-148, MA; Harvard University Press.
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Therefore, the child who has rejected a parent and aligned with the other, who has been seen to split feelings into wholly good and wholly bad and who has had a period of time in life where they have rejected you, is a child who has suffered two things:
1. Attachment disruption (and potentially disorder) and
2. psychological splitting during a time of significant physical, emotional, mental, and psychological development.
This means that your older or adult child is NOT going to easily find their way back to you and when they do, they are going to behave in particular ways that you must understand in order to help them to integrate the split parts of self.
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Trauma experts such as Janina Fisher, speak of trauma as causing split-off parts of self, some of which try to go on as normal (think of the child who has rejected you and who appears to be relieved and living life normally after that has occurred) and parts which are arrested in developmental delays and difficulties.
This is certainly my experience of treating children of all ages who have rejected a parent. Their presentation of different parts of self, some of which are over-compensated in competence and some of which are very much under-compensated, can be confusing. Often children using splitting will appear pseudo-mature, hiding younger and less confident parts of self who can break through at times and cause chaos.
Adult children who appear and then disappear are confusing to you when they start to come back into your life, and can cause you to feel angry and afraid that they are returning to old behaviors when they are NOT. They are TRYING to work out HOW TO HOLD an integrated sense of self.
When you understand what alienation really is and you learn how to adapt your own behaviors to help your child of any age to come home, the power of being a parent returns, and the negative projections, which are psychologically sticky and cause you to question your own sense of self, begin to fade.
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Clearing a path to your door means:
- Understanding your child’s internal experience.
- Learning how to respond to your child.
- Lay a trail that leads them back to you.
- Being able to consistently provide healthy responding, in the early, often turbulent days of reconnection.
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Recognize that your child has internalized difficulties:
- Recognize that they have to overcome their internal difficulties in order to return to you.
This means that you can put your energies where you know they will be most useful.
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Think of your child as the child of adoption who finds the adoption papers that trigger their need for biological connection. At some point in the adult child’s life, they are propelled to integration by their life stage, they yearn for and set out on a quest for psychological wholeness and you have the missing piece of the jigsaw.
"you have the missing piece of the jigsaw"
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When they set out to find it, your path must be clean and neatly swept with clear signage which says ‘welcome home’.
When they knock on the door, your arms must be open and you must be able to step forward and usher them in.
They are propelled by a need to find that part of themselves that was split off and projected.
The secret to splitting and projection is being, that NOT only did they project the negative aspects of their own self at you, but they split off and denied in themselves their feelings of love for you.
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When they walk up the path and knock on the door, those feelings they once knew are present again and conscious... AND SO IS THE guilt and THE shame FOR WHAT they were forced to do.
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When you open the door and usher them in, you show them that their child to your parent is safe at last. You provide predictable and unconditional love, which restarts the attachment system and provides the glue that enables your ongoing care and presence to take effect.
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Structural therapy strategies, alongside psychoanalytic understanding, are key to empowering parents to take control of the dynamics that cause so much pain and suffering when children are alienated in divorce and separation.
This is a rich and deep seam of knowledge and experience which all rejected parents can learn and which brings peace of mind a sense of power and integration in a landscape scissored with splitting.
We are increasingly focused on this way of working both in and out of the family courts to create ways of healing families affected by this cruel and deeply damaging form of child abuse.
This is a way of life.
A commitment to children from parents who ask that question, "what can I do to help my child to come home?" and it produces change in family relationships which last far beyond that first longed for knock on the door.​
Holding up a Healthy Mirror:
Becoming a Therapeutic Parent to Alienated Children
NOW an online course for parents of alienated children and their families with Karen Woodall
ABOUT THIS COURSE:
Children who hyper-align with one parent and reject the other, in divorce and separation, can be helped when one of their parents is able to understand their experience and, in response, hold up a healthy mirror. When the holding of this mirror is consistent, the child who has suffered from induced psychological splitting, which is demonstrated by aligning themselves with one parent and rejecting the other, can experience an integrated sense of self which assists in recovery.
In order to hold up a healthy mirror, the parent in the rejected position must first address the reactive splitting that they are likely to have suffered. Reactive splitting, which occurs when the child rejects, (often accompanied by false allegations), can cause a parent to feel natural reactions such as anger, bewilderment and shame. These feelings, which are normal in the circumstances, can become blocks and barriers to the child's recovery as the parent refutes the allegations and shows the child their reactive feelings. In these circumstances, the child withdraws further, struggling with their own guilt and shame and begins to split off their feelings further.
Restoring health to rejected parents begins with an understanding of what has happened internally and how that has become entangled with the child's own splitting reactions. When parents are able to map this splitting across the family system, their own reactive splitting can integrate and they can begin the work of developing the healthy mirror needed by the child.
Parents who have healed reactive splitting can then learn to apply the skills of therapeutic parenting. This is an approach to parenting children who are suffering from attachment disorder due to being emotionally and psychologically harmed. Alienated children with therapeutic parents, are shown in evaluation, to be able to recover quickly from the underlying harms which have caused their rejecting behaviours.
On this course you will learn:
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What psychological splitting is, how it occurs and why
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How to identify your own reactive splitting
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How to integrate split thinking in a fractured landscape
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How to build integrated thinking strategies
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What to embrace and what to avoid when rebuilding health in the face of alienation
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How to build the healthy mirror your child needs
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Mentalisation strategies for mirroring health
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The power and importance of consistent mirroring
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How other parents have used integrated mirroring to bring their children back to health
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Therapeutic parenting – an integrated skills set
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Building a consistent communications strategy for recovering your children
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Working with the counter intuitive approach necessary to enable alienated children to withdraw their projections
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Staying healthy amidst the chaos caused by psychological splitting
Based on successful work with many families around the world, Karen Woodall will share with you the deep knowledge of how to recover children from the nightmare landscape of psychological splitting. Karen has helped families to rebuild health and wellbeing with children of all ages and has developed a structural approach to working with alienation which is easily translated into strategies which can be used by parents.
2024 Holding Up A Healthy Mirror:
Treating Attachment Trauma
As well as working with families who are in public law cases, the Family Separation Clinic provides treatment to families outside of the private and public law system. These are often families with children who have aged out of the legal process or families who have not used the family courts at all.
In our work with families outside of the legal process, we treat children on the basis of self-alienation first, with psycho-education providing the foundation stones for the later work of re-integration of part selves, which is the internal problem seen in alienated children of all ages.
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Training parents in the rejected position to use the therapeutic model we have developed to respond to the problem of fragmentation of self in alienated children is the task we have set ourselves in the coming months and years, because we know from successful outcomes reported by parents using this approach, that it is the way to heal attachment trauma in children who have suffered emotional and psychological harm in divorce and separation. This diagram shows the internal elements we are working with in this model.
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Self-Alienation & Splitting in Children of Divorce
The following diagram shows the steps we take to train parents to use this approach, which we call Living in the Lighthouse Position.
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My new book about therapeutic parenting for alienated children is called Holding up a Healthy Mirror, it is accompanied by a workbook for parents and practitioners and will be available in early 2025.
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A guidebook called ‘The Journey of the Alienated Child’ will shortly be available to help you to understand the stages of alienation that children pass through.
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The following diagram explains the four stages of the alienation journey which is unpacked in this book.
A closer look....
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From early 2025 the Lighthouse Academy, our specialist online service for parents and wider family who wish to use therapeutic parenting skills to assist children with attachment trauma to heal, will be available.
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Through the Lighthouse Academy we will provide you with all of the learning, resources and accredited skills you need to help your child(ren) to recover from alienation and the harm that it causes.
We are working hard on this project now and look forward to welcoming you to join us
when we switch on the Lighthouse Beam around the world.
2023 Holding Up A Healthy Mirror:
A Step Wise Recovery Route for Parents in the Rejected Position
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Since 2020 I have been developing and delivering a stepwise recovery route for parents in the rejected position who wish to help their children to recover from attachment maladaptations which are caused by divorce or family separation. Over the past three years, well over three hundred parents have attended this course, listening, sharing and learning about how to deal with being in the rejected position.
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The rejected position is how I have come to understand the way in which parents are divided by children in their minds when they are suffering from induced psychological splitting. This is a different way of thinking about the issue of children’s alignment and rejection, shifting the focus away from the idea that this is about high conflict and towards the underlying psychopathologies which cause the child’s defensive presentation.
Parents in the rejected position are those who are not the cause of the child’s behaviors, although they may contribute inadvertently through the sheer terror of seeing the inexplicable behaviors of their child. Parents in the aligned position, are those whose relationship requires careful scrutiny, because it is here that the origins of the pathological enmeshment/coercive control/interpersonal terrorization and other behavior patterns can be seen.
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Against the backdrop of intense mischaracterization of this problem the pull back to the portrayal of the problem as either ‘he said/she said’ or high conflict between parents is seen. In addition, those of us doing this work, find ourselves under immense psychological pressure from those who create public narratives, which are based upon deflecting attention from the harms which are caused to children. Many of these narratives are based solely upon the stories of those who have been found to have harmed their children and as such are expressed as fact when they are anything but.
Keeping a clear mind in the midst of this minefield of projection is essential for all parents in the rejected position, who have been subjected enough to the projections of the influencing parent. Working with our mentalization-based Holding up a Healthy Mirror course, is a positive way to stay safe amidst the harmful cross currents in this space.
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Children are seen to be experiencing induced psychological splitting when they are strongly aligned to one parent and completely rejecting of the other. Rejection is often accompanied by contempt and an omnipotent presentation in the child which denotes anxious control of the family system.
Parents in the rejected position are quite simply NOT being rejected by their child because of harm done to them by that parent, they are rejecting that parent because they are subjected to patterns of behaviors which cause them to use defensive splitting in order to carry on with their lives as best as they can.
When children are seen to use defensive splitting in circumstances where there are high levels of suspicion and extremely low trust between parents, the escalation of the belief that a child is being harmed by the parent being rejected can begin. In such circumstances, especially where children begin to cling to a parent in a defensive alignment, patterns of ruminative behavior in the parent to whom the child is clinging triggers a spiral of blame projection. When this occurs, defensive splitting in everyone in the family system begins and blame projection intensifies.
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It is easier to pull a child back from a defensive splitting trajectory than treat it when it has taken hold. This is because when a child enters defensive splitting, it is because they are no longer capable of holding two realities in mind and must, as a defensive structure, split their experience of the self and others into wholly good and wholly bad.
The projection onto parents of this split is the point at which the child refuses to see a parent again, escalating their reasoning for not doing so. When the aligned parent shifts their position to support the child, the harm done is concretized and the child is locked into the defensive structure.
Psychological splitting in childhood leads to longer-term harms, all caused by the regression of the child to a primitive state of consciousness during essential developmental phases. This is no temporary problem, for many children who entered into defensive splitting in childhood, the harms are long-term and serious. Splitting as a defense may allow the child to carry on as normal for a time, but the loss of the whole self over time causes difficulties in all areas of life from sense of self to the capacity to make decisions, trust others, and build healthy relationships.
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For too many generations of children, a lack of understanding of what is happening when children align and reject has left them without any route to recovery of the whole self. Worldwide, this problem has been addressed through different lenses: PA Theory, Resist/Refuse Dynamics, Ecological Model of Systemic Family Therapy, Attachment-Based PA, and more. Some consider this to be a problem of the contact that a child has with a non-resident parent, others consider it to be a problem of polarisation, some say it is about high conflict, and others say it is about attachment.
The Family Separation Clinic works with the problem from the perspective of relational trauma, recognizing that what is being treated is the onset of primitive defenses in the child at the heart of a family system that is dominated by those defenses. Identifying where those defensive behaviors originate, protecting the child from them, and then treating the splitting to recover the whole child is how the Clinic approaches these cases. Treating the splitting in the child requires a parent in the rejected position to have the capacity to mentalize the child’s experience and work with therapeutic parenting to integrate the adapted self. When this work is complete, the child’s resilience to unhealthy parenting strategies provides protection from ongoing harm.
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Teaching parents in the rejected position how to mentalize their child’s experience requires the parent to recover first from the reactive splitting they suffered during the onset of the child’s alignment and rejection behaviors.
When parents are able to hold a consistent internal experience of self as whole, healthy and appropriate, the risk of repeated reactive splitting diminishes. This reduces the harm which is caused to parents and builds skills, knowledge, advocacy and capacity to speak up for the child, in a parent who has been deeply harmed by the experience of being rejected by their child.
When parents in the rejected position are enabled to understand, stabilize, anchor, and operationalize new strategies for helping their children to recover from the underlying harms which are caused by attachment maladaptations, they are in a position to provide healthy care which supports the recovery of the child’s integration.
Moving from reacting to responding, parents in the rejected position are the lighthouses in their children’s journey home.
2018 Lamp Lighting:
Helping Alienated Children to Find Their Way Home.
“The child’s best therapist is the rejected parent"
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This is not about the rejected parent being to blame
for their child’s rejection of them,
it is about rejected parents understanding (of):
HOW it happened.
WHY it happened.
WHAT can be done to prepare for reunification
when the child has the capacity
to slip out of the chains which binds their mind
and find their way back home.
Second post of 2018 and I write from our annual retreat where we go to build our resilience for our onward journey with alienated children and their families. As a matter of routine, the first week of every year is spent in seclusion in order to refresh and refocus our minds and our well-being. This allows us to keep on doing this work in the year ahead.
Working on the principle of putting on our oxygen masks first, this self-care ritual is one which we teach to all of the parents and wider family members we work with.
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Self-care is what we teach to all parents and wider family members. Self-care first, resilience building second and allowing and receiving third. All of these things are states of mind, and all require subtle and not-so-subtle shifts in focus and intention. All of these states of mind can be difficult for rejected parents to achieve because of the unending loss they are suffering and yet, paradoxically, all are necessary in order for alienated children to find their way home.
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Self-care is more or less easy to describe and understand although it is surprising how many rejected parents find it difficult to maintain. When one’s self-worth is invested entirely in the existence of one’s children and, when the control over the relationship you have with your children is stolen away from you, self-care can be incredibly difficult to maintain.
Too many parents have lost their sense of self along with their relationship with their children, far far too many have lost their right to life due to the intolerable pain of loss they suffer in the face of their child’s rejection of them. In teaching parents who suffer a loss of self and soul and hope, how to regain their right to a normal and healthy life, we start by helping them to retrieve the locus of control over their lives from where it is invested – in the helplessness caused by the other parent – and to relocate internally.
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As holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl said –
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Choosing one’s own attitude in the face of the loss of a child is a difficult thing to do
but if one is to remain sane and sober and capable of maintaining meaning in life,
retaining control over your own responses to what is being
done to you and to your children is an essential task.
Understanding how your children are being influenced
and why they are capitulating to that influence,
is a critical element of remaining sane in the face of the madness
which is wrought by alienating behaviors in a parent.
Learning how to offset the damage
which is being done to you, and to them - is another.
Resilience building is something which grows when self-care is practiced routinely. Resilience building is something we teach reunited parents to pass on to their recovering children. Resilience means being able to withstand the influence of the alienating parent, something which may feel as impossible to some rejected parents as it does to their children. Resilience means being able to withstand the interpersonal threat of harm and the coercive controlling behaviors which are being played out in the relationship. Resilience to the behaviors of the other parent, resilience in the legal process, resilience in the face of all efforts being made to persuade and break a child’s mind are all critical survival tools.
Resilience isn’t easy but it is possible, it is especially possible when self-care is practiced. Self-care requires a strong sense of entitlement, you would be surprised at how many rejected parents do not feel entitled to take care of themselves first. Perhaps this is because amongst this group of parents there is a high percentage of adults who experienced abuse as children. Many rejected parents grew up in households where their needs came second to those of their parents and where taking care of adults by children was a normalized behavior. When one grows in that environment it becomes incredibly difficult to feel entitled to anything at all.
Too many rejected parents who come to the Family Separation Clinic start from a place of absolute lack of entitlement, while their alienated children are behaving in over-empowered and entitled ways. Teaching parents how to unpick expectations which first took root when they were children, is part of our longer-term therapeutic coaching practice.
The final part of our work in this area is supporting rejected parents to allow and receive. This seems such a topsy-turvy notion that it requires some explaining. Let me start by outlining the mindset of many of the parents who first make contact with us.
Many parents who first come to the Clinic, come because they want their children back. Of course they do, the loss of their children is the biggest and most overwhelmingly painful experience they have ever endured. Many have no idea how this happened to them and are completely focused on getting us to fix it the problem. Introducing the idea that they, as parents, might have to make some subtle mind shifts first is something we have to take time to make clear to many parents and some, rail for a very long time against the idea that they have to make any changes at all. But they do. They do because their own internalized template of what it means to be a child is that of being unworthy. As children, many rejected parents felt unworthy because they were being raised by parents who made them feel that way. Parents who were narcissistic perhaps, alienating or otherwise estranging behaviors being normalized in the family, which leads to a child having to make behavioral adaptations in order to survive. So many of the alienated parents who seek our help have the unworthy child as an internalized template. Helping those parents to go back to that child and listen to what that child is saying, is the first step we take to building a new template which enables the parent to allow and receive. Which means allowing themselves to receive love and allowing themselves to feel worthy of being loved.
The receiving muscle, as my own therapist told me, is underdeveloped in abused children, who adapt their behaviors in childhood so that their capacity for giving is enhanced. These children grow up to be healers and carers, givers not receivers. These children are schooled very early indeed and grow up to find themselves unable to know what their own needs are, so used to meeting the needs of others first do they become.
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Exercising the receiving muscle therefore is something we work to help all rejected parents to do, and we do that by helping them to receive first of all, the care we can give them. In our work with alienated children and their families, we use an unusual therapeutic model, one which is not generally recognized. It is worth explaining that model a little here so that any rejected parents who are reading this can understand what it is we mean when we say that a) the receiving muscle requires development and b) the child’s best therapist is the rejected parent.
The therapeutic model we use relies upon the child’s attachment to the rejected parent and the parent’s capacity for receiving and allowing the reactivation of that relationship. As such, the rejected parent is brought right up alongside us in our reunification work and is relied upon to be able to maintain attunement throughout the reunification process. Attunement describes how reactive a person is to another’s emotional needs and moods. A person who is well-attuned will respond with appropriate language and behaviors based on another person’s emotional state. We need rejected parents to be capable of being attuned and remaining that way throughout the process of reunification.
Although it sounds simple, attunement can be difficult for many rejected parents, especially those who have an internalized lack of self-worth and whose locus of control is outside of themselves. It is impossible to be attuned to another human being unless you are healed to a degree in your own self, this is because attunement requires the capacity to be both aware of the self and the other as well as being capable of giving AND receiving. So many rejected parents we work with are very capable of giving but struggle hard with receiving.
Being attuned requires the capacity to be aware of the child’s signals that they are ready to give and need their love to be received in the way that they are capable of giving it. Because rejected parents are so used to giving and their alienated children are so used to being manipulated, the child’s signals that they wish to give and be received, which are often given weakly and inconsistently, can be missed by a parent. Which is why when we work with rejected parents we work first on the history behind the rejection and then turn our focus to the child within the rejected parent. Because it is there, in the unhealed child within the rejected parent, that the response to the alienation can begin.
When rejected parents are able to reclaim the locus of control and strengthen the psychological allowing and receiving muscle, their capacity for managing the circumstances they find themselves in expands.
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Alongside this, their tolerance for what is being done to them diminishes and they begin a process of recovery of the self.
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As the process of recovering the self develops, the capacity for self-care builds and the resilience to what the other parent is doing and has done grows stronger.
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When this journey is underway, the control exerted by the other parent begins to fade and the dynamic which causes the entrapment of the child fades with it.
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Now it is no longer a dynamic of power over but a dynamic of power without impact, which means that the enactment of vengeance is no longer real in the outside world.
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In short, the alienating parent is given the message that their hold on the rejected parent has disappeared leaving them holding a leash which leads nowhere.
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What then for the alienating parent whose behavioral patterns are those which have been handed down through the generations? Who will they control if the person they were used to controlling is no longer playing the game with them?
This work is unusual in that it requires rejected parents to undergo a parallel process in order to light the lamps for their children to come home. As we work with the rejected parent to excavate the past and bring the child within to the surface, we are also working to exercise the receiving and allowing muscle which is psychological and underdeveloped in many alienated parents.
Outside of this we are working to shift the physical barriers to reunification, marking those which we can change and activating that change as quickly as possible (as in the work we do in the legal process) and then we are utilizing the rejected parent’s capacity for attunement to bring the warmth of the relationship which lies dormant back to the surface.
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In doing so we need the rejected parent to be able to receive as well as give love.
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We need the child to be able to re-enter a relationship with a parent they can give to as well as receive from.
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We need the rejected parent to be able to receive well and show that they are receiving because the child is used to giving first and receiving second due to the care they have been given by the alienating parent.
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Subtly but consistently, the rejected parent must receive first and then lead the child around to receiving first and giving second.
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In all of the recovery journeys of alienated children, developing the psychological receiving muscle is a core task we must undertake alongside the now-reunited parent.
Lamp lighting with rejected parents is what we do daily at the Family Separation Clinic, and it is successful in many cases in enabling parents to find ways of bringing their children back home. It doesn’t always work immediately but when we get a parent to the part where they know that they need to focus on receiving and allowing, we know that their capacity for building the bridge their child can walk back on to them is activated.
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This is not about the rejected parent being to blame for their child’s rejection of them, it is about rejected parents understanding (of):
HOW it happened, WHY it happened, WHAT can be done to prepare for reunification when the child has the capacity to slip out of the chains which binds their mind and find their way back home.
“If we do not work on all three levels
– body, feeling, mind –
the symptoms of our distress will keep returning,
as the body goes on repeating the story stored in its cells
until it is finally listened to and understood.”
~ Alice Miller
Lighting lamps to lead the child home begins in the mind of the rejected parent. Self-care, resilience and allowing and receiving. All subtle mind shifts which turn the focus inwards and bring healing to the unexplored and unknown parts of the self and soul.
For when the unhealed child within finds the way home, the child without is more able to do so.
List of More Links to Reconnect with Child
How Can I Reconnect with My Children after Parental Alienation
The ten billion dollar question is "how can I reconnect with my alienated child?"
None of this is intended to be medical or legal advice. The site authors hold no (zero) credentials and may have no experience with the methods listed below as a general courtesy.
If you are lucky, one of these effective treatment methods is available to you, because mental health and the courts spoke with a unified, informed voice.
Otherwise, rest assured, you are in a tough spot and there are no easy answers. In fact, quite likely, no answers at all. But there may be some approaches that might possibly be better than most (but none very good):
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According to Amy Baker, ultimately the alienated child has to come to the point where they themselves say roughly "I was tricked, I was duped, this was all wrong". I believe this is in her Co-Parenting Book.
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Ginger Gentile speaks on the importance of self care, saying that as the result of all the interviews she has done, there is a common thread of successful reunification. It is important to be able to offer love and compassion to the children, not a permanently broken life. This thread runs through many of the items below.
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It is important to realize that your children are acting as they do because they have been subject to child psychological abuse. As hard as this is on you, it is much harder on your children. React to them with empathy and love. The alienator wants you to get into a big fight with your children, because that only further harms your relationship. Don't take that bait.
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Amy Baker has a new program for reconnecting with children it is entitled Restoring Family Connections. Here is how she discusses it in her blog.
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For children who are now adults, buy Amy Baker's book "Surviving Parental Alienation" and turn to the back, where a suggestion is provided.
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For minor children, buy Amy Baker's book "Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex". This explains the problem from the perspective of your child.
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Also, consider Dr Richard Warshak's "Family Bridges" program at his web site.
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Surrounding oneself with people who show respect to you (e.g. treat you like you are a normal person) - the child might see this as an indication that you are not all bad.
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Somehow live a life that eventually counters whatever your child incorrectly believes about you ("be the opposite"). The hardest part is knowing what the child incorrectly believes about you, especially if you have no contact. Amy Baker's books talk about this, in depth.
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Amy Baker's book "Adult Children of Parental Alienation" has a chapter that lists ways that some children re-connected with their alienated parent (catalysts).
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Teach children critical thinking and how easily we can be influenced by other people without even knowing they are influenced.
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Pictures and home movies: Create screen savers / presentations of your good relationship before the alienation happened
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Fantasy pipe dream: Possibly educate all the bystanders and counselors and authority figures that don't understand what is going on and that assume you are a horrible person and pass that onto the child, either subtlety or overtly.
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Possibly have the child view Dr Childress Speaks to the Child , which is an 8 part series of 10 minute youtube videos.
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Possibly show the child Dr Warshak's Welcome Back Pluto DVD, available on Dr Warshak's web site
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Take care of yourself: Stay Happy Healthy, Successful and Spiritually Positive (Joan Kloth-Zanard). Craig Childress also has suggestions on how to deal with the complex trauma. One expert has said that, in a way, children must be enticed/seduced to return to the alienated parent and that requires them to have some measure of joy and happiness. Learn how US Navy Seals stay mentally tough and how important that is. Understand how D. A. R. V. O may have been used against you when you confronted the offender. Consider adopting a non-blaming point of view, which will at least help you be seen in a better light. Read some information at the ambiguous loss web site.
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Gain deeper insight into what happened and what is happening by reading Foundations
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Read Dr. Kruk's outstanding and brilliant article on the experience of the erased parent, which may validate your experience and help you move into a better spot.
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Your success in reconnecting with your children probably depends on your ability to recover from all the stress, pain, trauma, and crazymaking that you have experienced. If you are angry, that is going to hurt you big time and will kill you in court. Read and understand the perspective of the erased parents and how to recover. Join a support group by consulting the master list of support groups. Every time you tell you story or hear someone tell theirs, you will become stronger. In the ultimate of ironies, your child may look at your unhappiness and say that is the reason they have rejected you.
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Amy Baker's "Beyond the High Road" ebooklet, available on her website or at here
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Never give up. Otherwise, the alienating parent will say "the targeted parent does not love you". Giving up feels worse to the child than their pain of constantly rejecting you.
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Send Care packages to children you do not see, about every 2 weeks.
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Go to Ryan Thomas Speaks where he offers about 15 hours of video replete with comprehensive suggestions. I am not sure if access to all the videos is still available. As a sample, here are several f free videos from Ryan Thomas .
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Amy Baker says that she does not advise people to "give a book on alienation to a child" and instead recommends empathy. Do Not Give Kids Alienation Books but understand it from their point of you (empathy). She expands on this on her web site.
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Dr. Craig Childress answers the question "is it ever appropriate to tell your child about parental alienation"? He says no, but the full answer is complex. His answer is on comment #4 on the post you can see from the link.
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Sign up for a parent coaching session from Amy Baker (not free)
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Sign up for a session from Dr Warshak (not free)
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Sign up for a session from Dorcy Pruter (not free)
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Use the tools and plan from The Bridge 4 Us.
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Sign up for coaching with Michael Allen (currently free). Here are 30 questions he recommends to get conversations started with kids.
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Consider these suggestions from Doug Darnell http://www.parentalalienation.org/articles/grief-by-dr-steinberg.html
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Consider trying to strike an emotional cord in your child by referencing an old picture (or pictures), a favorite flavor, or a shared experience.
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Keep any interactions that may exist guilt free and stress free (because from the child's perspective, you are associated with stress because of all the pressure from the other parent, and even presumed to be the cause of the stress. The easiest way for the child to get rid of the stress is to get rid of you.)
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Elbow your way into your child's life, say possibly for example, volunteering at their school.
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Realize that PA is all about a power and control imbalance, and although it may not be possible to change that, but to the extent you can rebalance it slightly without any downsides, doing so can be helpful.
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If possible, get your kids involved in outside activities, as many as possible. This is critical. And get them off to college far away, to wet their appetite for freedom and independence. If children remain in the orbit of their alienator after high school, it is less likely that they will eventually see the light. The more they can experience the world from a different perspective than the alienator, the much better off they will be.
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See if the Conscious Co-Parenting Institute Can Help.
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Obtain the perspective of other formerly alienated children and formerly alienated adults so you can understand the perspective of your child better.
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Join Ryan Thomas' biweekly calls for $20/month where he will answer all your questions. And learn from his answers to other people's questions.
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Others who offer counseling that comes recommended by some people Kathleen Reay, Linda Gottlieb, and Rebecca Bailey. Kathleen has a peer reviewed published paper link to her program
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Here are three success stories about children who have reconnected, as the result of mental health and courts taking a Childress style no-nonsense approach
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Get your child into structured therapy as described by Brian Ludmer. Family bridges is one of these places.
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If you have a severe case of parental alienation with these 3 symptoms, the therapist "should" mark it a child psychological abuse V995.51, according to Dr Childress . This the opens up many relevant treatment options (see structured therapy above). Their published success rates can be extremely high.
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Here is some advice from Dr. Warshak "I think your letter writers have both made the same, most common mistake that parents do in this situation: they’re hoping that time will heal the wound. They think that taking the high road means to say nothing about what they see going on, and when they see the child succumbing to one side of the story, they leave the child in that situation. Missing My Child quoted Ma Ingalls, “Least said, soonest mended,” but Ma Ingalls’ daughter Laura says, “Still best to be honest and truthful.” That’s the problem here — if children hear only one side of the story, then they’re left to cope on their own with the incomplete information that’s resulting in the destruction of such an important relationship. So rather than take a passive approach to try to maintain some harmony, I think it’s important that parents in this situation step up and find some way to communicate to their children, “I simply cannot accept being marginalized.” I suggest a more active approach in which you’re careful not to put down the other parent, but to find a way to communicate, “Look, there’s another side of the story.” You don’t have to tell your side of the story, but you do need to introduce the idea that there is another side to the story, and if you had all the facts, you would think differently." And on a different question: "In the case of the Broken Dad, his emails aren’t being answered and his number is blocked from communication. So one approach would be to try to use an intermediary — perhaps someone in the family who recognizes the terrible price that this girl is paying for her parents’ divorce and will intervene to help the child realize that she doesn’t have to take sides in this, and that it’d be better for her not to. Otherwise, the father may need to use opportunities where his daughter does need something from him — a permission slip signed, auto insurance paid, etc. — where he can say, “It’s my responsibility as a father to make sure you have what you need, so we need to meet.” She may come to the meeting with a chip on her shoulder, but it’s a beginning."
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Send one of Dr. Childress' "letters to children". There are ones to Mary, Jason, Jessica, and John, to cover all the permutations of mother/father and son/daughter.
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Read Dr. Warshak's Poison Control Center, which includes a moratorium on discussing the past. Also, there is a Family Bridges workshop for adult kids. Here is another reference and explanation for a moratorium on discussing the past. Dr. Joshua Coleman puts it this way ". That said, you should do whatever you can to let them know that you're fine, you're happy, you're not damaged, you're not holding a grudge, you're not going to punish them. This goes again to the idea of reducing their feelings of guilt, worry, or responsibility as a way to pave the path toward greater openness going forward." Dr. Childress puts it this way "the child's self-awareness around these issues becomes capped by grief and guilt. This can sometimes prevent the child from developing insight into the surrounding issues. The child misinterprets the pain of grief associated with the targeted parent as somehow representing something "bad" that the targeted parent did or does that causes the child's pain - and then there's an unconscious guilt that motivates the child to avoid opening the issue - just move on. One of the things I've heard Dorcy recommend for the reunification phase is for the targeted parent to make it easy for the child. No need to dredge up past issues, no need to activate any guilt or grief. Solution focused. No worries. Where do we go from here."
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Read Dr. Warshak's essay. Here is one excerpt "The difficult emotional task for rejected parents is to find ways to live a meaningful life without the children, while knowing that, as long as the children are alive, there is always a possibility of reconciliation. Even the most stubborn child, convinced that she wants no relationship with a parent, can change. New relationships, new insights into an alienating parent’s character and behavior, crises, unexpected challenges, becoming a parent herself—all can stir an estranged child into wanting to reconnect with a parent who has been vilified. It is important not to make the hope of reconciliation the centerpiece of one’s life, and not to allow the alienation to dominate one’s life. But this does not mean giving up every ounce of hope, a choice that most parents find unthinkable."
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Avoid Dr. Reay's list of the "the twelve most common mistakes alienated parents tend to make" Here is a very short summary, but please read the longer list with full explanation
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Avoid saying Dr. Baker's list of 5 things to your child Dr. Baker's list of 5 things to your child
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Avoid the list of mistakes complied by Dr. Warshak, starting with "counter rejecting your child".
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Understand the game, so eloquently described here by Karen Woodall
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For some background and perspective, read Alienated Child Whispering by Karen Woodall
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You can pick up some good pointers on interacting with your children from this 2 hours interview with Dr. Childress and Dorcy Pruter.
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For awareness, this is how Amy Baker described the reconnection of the 40 adults she interviewed for her book, Breaking the Ties that bind, which she wrote her article in Social Work Today: "There appear to be many different pathways to the realization that one has been manipulated by a parent to unnecessarily reject the other parent. Eleven catalysts were described by the interview participants. This represents both good and bad news. The good news is that there are many different ways to evolve from alienation to realization. The bad news is that there is no silver bullet or magic wand to spark that process. For some participants, it was a matter of time and gaining life experience. For others, it was the alienating parent turning on them and, for others, it was becoming a parent and being the target of parental alienation from their own children. For most, the process was just that—a process. There were a few epiphanies, but most experienced something like a slow chipping away of a long-held belief system, a slow awakening to a different truth and a more authentic self. Most gained self-respect and a connection to reality and were grateful to know “the truth.” At the same time, they acknowledged that this truth was hard won and quite painful. Once they were aware of the parental alienation, they had to come to terms with some painful truths, including that the alienating parent did not have their best interest at heart, that as children they had probably behaved very badly toward someone who did not deserve such treatment, and that they missed out on a relationship that may have had real value and benefit to them."
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When asked if an erased parent could have an impact by changing their response, Dr. Childress responded, "The short answer is... yes. If the targeted parent changes his or her schemas for responding to the situation, then this can have a significant impact on the situation. Dorcy Pruter discusses this extensively. The mindset of the targeted parent - the authentic parent - can change the situation. Once we solve "parental alienation" (AB-PA) we will have the leisure to discuss these features more fully. What I want to avoid at this stage of the solution, though, is blaming the targeted parent - the authentic parent - for the pathology. It only takes one parent, the narcissistic/(borderline) parent, to create this pathology. The targeted parent - the authentic parent - is not responsible for creating the pathology of AB-PA as evidenced in the three diagnostic indicators of AB-PA (and the 12 Associated Clinical Signs). The targeted parent - the authentic parent - is NOT responsible for creating the pathology. The mindset - the schemas - of the authentic parent can significantly alter how the pathology manifests itself. When Dorcy talks about this issue, of the targeted parent's mindset, listen to her, her words will be full of valuable wisdom."
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It might be possible that with a deeper understanding of paranoia and persecutory delusions, it might be possible to relieve some of the stressors causing the decompensation into persecutory delusions. As noted by Dr. Childress, a divorce is not an ideal circumstance. Calling out their weaknesses is doomed. Saying "our children are doing really well" might help?
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Here are a few classes that cost money on how to parent alienated child.
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Consider bringing playmates along to a visit, to help ensure the child has a good time.
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Study many or all of the books listed in Brian Ludmer's parenting library.
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Be aware of the harm to children when an erased parent criticizes the alienator on social media.
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This tip comes from Michael Allen, a Conscious Coparenting Institute coach: don't tell your children that you miss them, but rather, tell them that you love them. Telling that you miss them can trigger their guilt, which is a major impediment to reuniting.
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Read Dr. Childress' essay on whether you should stay involved with an alienated child. The answer is yes!!!!
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Here is a New York Times article about obtaining relief from overwhelming anxiety by doing cross word puzzles.
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Wendy summarizes much of the above information in this facebook post.
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Overcome a victim mindset.
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Study the suggestions that Amanda Sillars shares on her facebook page. She has some really outstanding advice.
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For a free consult with someone who specializes in countering narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), reach out to Nathan Cook to book an appointment or check him out on quora.
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To understand more about narcissism, follow the work of Stacey Rudin
Notes on Grief (text below is courtesy Dr Steinberg):
His the part that you work with in three separate ways. First, it is critical, regardless of the attitude and reception from the other parent, from the other parent's family and from your child that you stay in positive contact with them. Civility and cordiality in face-to-face contact is essential regardless of what is said in your presence or behind your back. In addition, sending your child cards, letters and little packages on unimportant days is appropriate. Also, communicating with your child by telephone, by e-mail and by facsimile can be effective. If you have completely lost contact with your child, then set your priority to find him/her and restore contact at least by distance. If this is impossible, then collect items and memorabilia in a special box or trunk reserved for your child and the possibility of future contact.
Second, become active as a citizen for positive change, and learn about the strengths and weaknesses of the system you blame for preventing you from having parenting opportunities with your child. This action may not change the disposition of your situation, but you may make the system a better place for other targeted parents and their children.
Third, for your sake and for the sake of your relationship with your child, it is imperative that you forgive the other parent. Notice there was no mention of forgetting what has happened, or how you have been treated, but again, for restoring your emotional balance and your ability to cope with life challenges in healthy ways, you will need to forgive the alienator. For some, this is a spiritual journey, and for others the path is a secular one. What is important is that you go about this process in a unique way that you believe will work for you so the specter of losing your child is diminished, and your health and well being are in restoration.
Other worthwhile topics on this web site:
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13.4% of surveyed parents say they are alienated from one of their children
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Greatest Victories in the Fight Against Parental Alienation
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The authors of DSM-5 say that parental alienation is in DSM-5
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The Top US Psychiatric Hospital says that "withholding interactions from the other caregiver" is child abuse
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Attorney and Lawyer training material for parental alienation
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ABC 2020 Exposes Parental Alienation: Footprints in the Snow
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The attachment model of parental alienation that uses only standard and accepted/established psychology, also known as pathogenic parenting, or the trans generational transmission of attachment trauma
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American Psychiatric Association Comments on Disordered Parenting
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The Harms of Parental Alienation : ACES : Adverse Childhood Experiences Study
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Six Peer Reviewed studies show that parental alienation is child abuse