​​​2018 Homecoming:
The Paths & Pitfalls of Reunification With Lost Loved Ones
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We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, remembered gate
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;
At the source of the longest river
The voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple-tree
Not known, because not looked for
But heard, half heard, in the stillness
Between the two waves of the sea.
Quick now, here, now, always–
A condition of complete simplicity
(Costing not less than everything)
And all shall be well and
All manner of things shall be well
When the tongues of flame are in-folded
Into the crowned knot of fire
And the fire and the rose are one.
Little Gidding V, Four Quartets.
— T.S. Eliot (1943)
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A wave of reunifications between now adult children and their lost loved ones has been happening recently (in the UK) and in the midst of this I have been helping families to understand the paths and pitfalls which occur in this momentous occasion in their lives.
While so many long to be reunited with the children they have lost through parental alienation and the failure of the family courts to resolve the difficulties the family has in making the transition from together to apart, the reality of that process is often shocking as well as or instead of it being wonderful. For when the longing of the years gives way to the encounter with reality, the buried feelings of the past, which have often been held in emotional aspic, come rushing up like ghosts demanding to be attended to.
Again and again, I am asked by parents and children and wider family members –
“Why, when I have reconnected to the person that I love, do I feel so bad?”
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The answer of course lies in the way in which estrangement or alienation from loved ones causes the stultification of normal feelings of attachment and the way in which loss of a loved one who is still alive cannot be mourned fully. This causes a traumatic wounding pattern in which feelings of anger, fear, dread and terror plus sadness, grief and despair become fused into one overwhelming feeling of helplessness.
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When the child returns, this fused ball of helplessness begins to unwind itself and so with it the disparate feelings which have been too traumatic to be processed properly.
Entering into a depression shortly after reunification is a common issue faced by reunited families, in my view this is about the overwhelming negative feelings which are now emerging to be properly processed. This is why, in my experience, no reunification program is complete without therapeutic aftercare. To leave a reunited family alone too soon is to abandon them to their capacity to cope with the feelings which emerge. Feelings which the reunited children often do not experience in the same way (because the loss for them is different and their lives are all in front of them) but which the parents and wider family members definitely do suffer from.
"Feelings which the reunited children often do not experience in the same way
(because the loss for them is different and their lives are all in front of them)
but which the parents and wider family members definitely do suffer from."
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Reunited children experience different feelings which are very much based upon their need for the neglected parts of themselves to be attended to. Of course, as those parts which are unattended to, are now demanding attention right at the time when the newly reunited adults are coping with emerging unprocessed feelings, there is the very real possibility of a perfect storm of misunderstandings to arise.
"Reunited children experience different feelings
which are very much based upon their need
for the neglected parts of themselves
to be attended to."
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For onlookers, the confusion about why the reunification which was so longed for is less a happy ending and more an emotional and psychological jumble sale, can become both frustrating and bewildering. Understanding what is going on under the surface helps to steer a steady course through the ruins of the past and into the building of a new future.
"Understanding what is going on under the surface
helps to steer a steady course
through the ruins of the past
and into the building of a new future."
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The point of reunification is both the ending and beginning and within that moment is contained all of the hopes, fears, dreams and determinations of everyone involved. This is a rebirth of a child/adult relationship and unless it is recognized as being both a point of possibility and of despair, disappointment will surely follow.
For the parent the end of a long wait is here, for the child a point at which a new start is signified, two paths which diverged have now come together again, and falling into step requires time, patience and a willingness to understand and hear the voice of each other.
Those who achieve this are those who will walk on together in life and who will be seen in years to come to be in healthy relationships with each other.
Those who do not achieve it will find the estrangement more comfortable than the reunited relationship. And there are many more of these relationships which foundered on the rocks of reunification than you would ordinarily imagine.
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The work of receiving a lost child into your emotional and psychological life is incredibly difficult and for some the fear of failing leads to a preference for the status quo than for change.
When someone has not been in your life for many years, welcoming them back takes courage and sometimes the willingness to allow them to bring a little bit of chaos with them.
I often liken reunifications to aircraft landings, some are smooth, and we barely know that the wheels have touched the ground, others are turbulent, bumping their way onto the ground in fits and starts before coming to a screeching halt or careering to a halt in the long grass. Being able to remain open to that process requires psychological strength and the capacity to be able to maintain perspective.
In each reunification process we counsel people to recognize that this is a process not an event. It will bring tears as well as laughter and being open to letting our world be enriched by the people who live within our relational systems is what life is all about.
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Sometimes reunifications do not go well. These are those in which the rigidity of mind in one or both people concerned prevents the resurrection of the warm attachment bonds.
For children who encounter this in a parent they have sought out, this is a tragedy in their lives twice over. Because not only do they have to deal with the split off and denied feelings of guilt and shame for having pushed a parent away in the first place, but they also now have to deal with a block to their seeking of health through the restoration of that relationship. It is cruel blow to children and one which in my experience is amongst the most damaging things that can happen in reunification.
Why it happens is not difficult to understand. Parents become bitter, enraged by having been denied for so long and fixed in their belief that their views must now hold sway. Fear populates this relational system too. The fear of the parent that they can no longer bring influence in their adult child’s life and fear that there is no other role for them if that influence is no longer theirs to exercise.
What these parents fail to realize is that their own fear is what maintains the barrier to their child’s longer-term health. Those who cannot shift beyond fear-based reality will cast their children back out into the wilderness and while that may be difficult for many who are alienated from their children now to believe, trust me, it is a far more common outcome for families who attempt to reunite, than the popular narrative would have us believe.
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~ Because at the end of the time apart, the beginning of the time apart is also present.
The end is in the beginning and the beginning is always in the end. ~
This is because ultimately, alienation, like estrangement, like all of the reasons why people disappear out of each other’s lives, is a human relational issue. And in all that we do, we are all, always still human.
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What we find in reunification work is that which caused the splitting in the first place and being able to hold that with the families we work with is our greatest responsibility of all. Bringing families to the place of dynamic change is what reunification is about.
Entering into that liminal space on the threshold of the past, present, and future,
is to be human in relationship to families.
It is both an art, a privilege, and a time of great fear, as well as rejoicing.
Nothing can be predicted in a reunification, which is not based upon how life was to the point where the two paths diverged. And that is the simple truth of the matter. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.
Reunification depends upon the openness of heart and spirit and the capacity to take risks.
If it was not there in the beginning, it won’t be there in the end which is also a new beginning.
Drawing upon those strengths and helping families not to be tripped up by the inherent weaknesses is what reunification work is all about.
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My top five tips for reuniting families?
See this in perspective, it is not a fairy story and this is not a happy ending, reunification is a process not a one-off event and you have to work at it.
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Recognize that the dynamics which were present at the point where the paths diverged are going to come howling into the present at the point at which the paths converge again.
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If you are a parent, get help to deal with the reactive shock that encountering long-buried feelings brings.
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If you are an adult child recognize that your parent/other adult relations need time to adjust.
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For wider family members, keep boundaries and know your limitations in terms of being able to make things different.
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Above all be patient, let time and proximity do the work of reigniting buried feelings of family, warmth and attachment.
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Do not expect too much too soon and always, ALWAYS keep in touch, however hard it is, this is what will ultimately oil the wheels and make the vehicle of your relational system work again.
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Homecoming can be happy ever after but just like all families, it will take work to make it turn out that way.
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COMMENTS including mine! MOVE ALL HOLLY TO HOLLY'S STORY Comments about "WHO ARE THEY/YOU NOW?"NEED TO DO MY WHY'S!....
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​17 May 2018
A very powerful piece Karen. Thank you. For me, so much time has gone by, my teenage daughters are now 19 and 22 – one even a college graduate (yes, I was deliberately excluded). Who are they now? In my mind they are still 13 and 15, daughters who still spoke to me, who were part of the family I had always dreamed of. Who are they now? Blocked on their phones, I have not seen them nor heard their voices in almost two years. Who are they now?
I read your words and nod in understanding. While I want nothing more than to “have them back”, I wonder – Who are they now?
Oh, this is such a cruel thing, this alienation. The cruelest
17 May 2018
This was so helpful to me Karen. I recently had dinner with my daughter, alienated for 6 and a half years. It was wonderful and everything I could want. I could not understand why I didn’t feel elated afterward and in fact, depressed. Now I understand. Thank you! Lynne
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Karen Woodall
17, May 2018
so much to process Lynne, there is a need to actively embrace the feelings and allow the relational system to live again. Much to mourn in the loss of six and a half years and that must be done before the joy of what lies ahead can be fully embraced. All work which is vital in this process and which is much misunderstood and unknown. I will write some more, it is part of my thinking in my research work and a growing need in terms of clinical work too. Sending support to you K
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18 May 2018
Time does not stand still……the children you once knew are now adults, the parent you once were has changed as you have had to find an accommodation with your loss…… memories abound on both sides of who each once was…….but who are we now? For it is in the scenario of who we are now that reunification must take place ……now strangers who once shared a past……. old wounds repened and old hurts live again…..anyone who can navigate through this maelstrom successfully…… I salute you.
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19 May 2018
Be brave, take the plunge and commit. Try to understand the walls that have kept you apart not through what your Ex may or may not have done but what was missing. Because you can use this new opportunity to fill that void (what’s missing), with good things helping to form healthy ties in this present moment and new opportunity that you have created. Don’t use your non-invitation to the graduation ceremony to not go; to remain as one who is separate and is cast aside. Go to the ceremony and smile, be proud, act as if you are what you want to be. Behave as you would like to be seen.
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​​23 May 2018
“……It can happen at any moment. Really! So continue to be hopeful. Continue live and take care of yourself. Whether days from now or 10 years from now, you’ll need to be your best you when your moment of reunification comes.”
I absolutely love this, Holly – thoughts I’ve hung on to for 17 years and, more importantly, have driven me the entire time. To hear them echoed by someone who’s trodden that lonely, uncertain road is (for me) a welcome validation of holding tight to the above.
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10 Jun 2018
August 2014–it only took 3 days of brainwashing and promises to my two teen sons and they became abusive, vulgar, mom haters. I was stunned as I had been their primary caretaker their entire lives, then a contentious divorce in which we both agreed…until we went to a mediator and my husband was told about splitting assets. After working with children most my life and obtaining s degree in education, a Protection from Abuse Order was placed on me mere days after that first mediators meeting, a meeting my husband stormed out of in rage. The PFA was quickly overturned, yet my sons were gone as I had known them…forever.
In 2016, when I’d given in to accepting there was nothing more I could do…my then 15 was rejected by my ex-husband. I was shocked, as though the dead had risen. My dream came true, yet I felt afraid and triggered. My son refused 100% loyalty to his dad and was discarded.
Now it is June 2018. I’d accepted my now 20 year old was a “lost cause”. Yet last Sunday I received a message….he was being ignored by his father. This is his third night in my home! The blog entry about reunification leading to uncomfortable feelings was a blessing, I feel guilty because my still alienated friends mourn…yet I’m going through a stage of mistrust, who are you, someone I had compartmentalized and put away to move on with life (finally), has now appeared and I’ve not processed the grief of losing him nor his rebirth in my life.
When communication was practically nothing, and abusive at best, after I’d accepted not being “the mom” any longer…they both are back.
My heart always knew the truth, yet my head wanted to blame myself as they did…although I never had an idea to fix it.
Lies have speed…truth has ENDURANCE!
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11 Jun 2018
Dear Karen,
This post is so useful as I have found out I will see my daughter (19) this weekend, for the first time (apart from at a distance, hiding) in 3 and 1/2 years.
I needed to check the psychology because since knowing it is going to occur I have been excessively emotional and tearful. I am struggling to know how I will keep these feelings in check. But, I at least know they are standard.
The event is my father’s birthday (a significant one) and there will only be 20 people there so in theory it will be difficult for her to avoid me.
Holly, your description of the reconciliation with your daughter sounds like the way I would hope it will go with mine. I want to support her, not direct blame anywhere. I want it to be the beginning of our future not just a patch on the daily pain. Which doesn’t get better.
Whether I will achieve this is one dimension; how her father will react before, during and after is another. I know from her brother he (dad) still justifies his parenting based on his feelings towards me. My son (21) and I have a good relationship until discussing the family when his level of enmeshment becomes apparent. (He believes his father’s version of events is accurate…)
I don’t think luck is what I need but a full scoop of positive thoughts and some sunshine on the day!!
You have just started your retreat for alienated mothers, I hope it is a fulfilling and supportive week for you all.
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15 July 2018 SHE HAS A MOTHER COMMENT
Karen your post gave my mind a break and some fear at first but at least a tiny new thing to focus on and holly your words and story were helpful advice that gave me reassurance of who I am as a mother in the hopeful day and what it will take in the event that my daughter ever comes back home to me and gave me so much hope. As well as hearing others who had their children return too. I just have nowhere to turn to anymore and can’t find anything to hold on to while I wait for my own little girl to find to way back to me that THIS time has gone on for 4 years. Been dealing with it for 7 YEARS that had another almost 2 year span but it’s gone on literally since the day she was born. I just don’t know how to get through this anymore.
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16 jUL 2018 SHE HAS A MOTHER REBLOGGED useful words when reunited again