I haven't felt this for a very long time

Maddie, it’s a perfect late summer night at 7pm and I’m sitting outside and the way that the sun is shining on me right now makes me think of you and me. It’s actually a song I used to add to anytime I made you song lists and had always played called SUNSHINE ON MY SHOULDERS by John Denver. I think that you ended up resenting that song. You probably don’t remember it I’m sure. So it is a song that describes the way that I have always felt when the sun is starting to usually set in the early evening and it hits my left eye that I know you don’t this but I’m legally blind in that eye and when the sun can get to that that eye it is such a warm healing feeling like no other. I started realizing that when I was a little girl and I would notice it most by sitting outside by a lake and the sun would hit the water and my blind eye could experience the best warmth and I could see things that won’t make sense but it was some definition in colors and bring me into such comfort. I remember even as a little girl that that was no way I could describe that but I knew I wished my little girl someday would feel what I feel with sun. I actually just listened to that song as I’m sitting outside and I forgot how much that song means to me and wishing or wanting to share it with you that again, I know that song and a few other songs you felt resentment about it. I think I’m going back inside. The sun just settled more and I can’t get the warm healing feeling anymore. But it was good sharing this with you while I felt it.

Working Step 1 Questions

1. Do I accept that I cannot control another person's alienating behavior? Another person's behavior?

   Yes. There is nothing I can to stop ANYONE's behavior. All I can do is control MY behavior.

2. How do I recognize that the alienator is an individual with habits, characteristics, and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different than mine?

   We were as different as night and day except for our humor so it’s always been easy to recognize he is an individual very much different myself. He is a separate person that refused to let me breastfeed our daughter at 7 months pregnant. He is that person that I am not. Over 21 years of knowing he is a different person than I am. It’s been easy to me to always see myself vs others as individuals by just being an identical mirror imagine twin.

3. Do I accept that alienation is a disease? How does that change how I deal with an alienator?

   Yes, I accept that alienation is a disease. I know that is a transgenerational PA trauma. It helps a lot with my daughter's and stepson's alienating behavior. It helps to a degree with dealing with my immediate family's behavior. Reworking Step 1 and joining this sponsorship pod is already extremely helpful with seeing it in a new angle in concerns with my mom and sisters and I already know that this too will improve greatly with processing this as a disease with them all. It even helps to see my piece in the disease where I contribute to it and have been so emotional and try to talk about what I and my daughter have gone through with expecially my immediate family that I have made the alienation worse because not so much in the past couple of years but I keep trying to talk and have my voice heard about things to people who just don’t want to hear any of it. It’s a cycle that I’m also contributing to it no matter what way it is. But as for this father, disease or not, is It does NOT help in the slightest alienation being a disease in regards to him which alienation is probably the lesser of two evils with professionals who know my situation and what he has done already has stated not only is he a narcissist that has alienated the kids but is also a psycho-path. And I do not care about him with his diseases that this man has because of his of his life long extreme dangerous and damaging actions of his decade long spree of OFPs. HROs and criminal charges to destroy my life has left me until the age of 92 years before I am free of him and more criminal charges charges with just one more simple lie that that he already tried to get a 50 year OFP against me to keep my daughter from me past the age I don’t even excpect myself to live with an adjoining false felony charge while trying to be his star witness to testify against me claiming I had told my daughter that I WANTED TO KILL HER and told HIM that I said I wanted to KILL HIM, multiple times on separate occassions. THANK GOD this head judge for all of this just left our case after 7 years to become to the next Supreme Court Justice and it took 2 new judges and 3 years to finally stop him. Thats not even the worst of what he did to me… it’s what he did to my daughter and finally finding all her medical records that she is going to see one day that he falsely accused me of a having a MATERNAL DRUG PROBLEM! This is what he did to her with no care. I do not care what he has done to me, it what all of this has done to her and will continue to do to her for as long as she lives I do not care what diseases this man has… it changes nothing to change anything because of his diseases and it’s equilvant to thinking a phedodile’s disease should ever change anything to anybody just because it’s a disease. These types of these diseases that are this these life long dangerous behaviors and actions that come from their diseases against a innocent child and an innocent mother is inhumane.

4. How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?

   I think the biggest thing I’ve done in my life to change people is to try to please others so they would like me then also not to leave me. I had an eating disorder for most of my life and really believed at one time if I was skinny than I would be loved. It nearly killed me or on the way to that. For alienation I think or at least thought if I could talk to them about it that I could fix it but it almost always leads to a blown out fight or them alienating me even more.

5. What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?

   I tried to ask and talk about what I need and want but it usually again just blows up into a fight or silence. Again, this depends on who I’ve tried to talk to about that. I have had/have excellent therapists that I can/have talked to about my needs and wants and for the most part they’ve been excellent listeners and have always had great feedback but that’s a 50 minute appointment once a week. I know for decades I've tried to write about my needs and wants for myself and to try to communicate with others that way when verbal communication hasn’t worked. Right now I think the best thing and safest thing is to keep talking to my therapists and concrete on using my PAA Sponsorship pod & continue writing on my website. Also for my communication needs I want to keep continuing using and learning NVC along with using the Feelings & Needs list for those that I have hard time communicating with so there a better chance I am felt heard and have a better chance of not having conflict rising out of a situation that is still very raw and emotional.

6. How do I feel when the alienator refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?

   I feel hopeless and very very sad and misunderstood. I don’t just FEEL like I’m constantly being disposed of for every reason, I constantly am actually being disposed of and silenced if I try to say anything or have a voice. I do not agree with any of this but it’s very sickening to deal with and I mostly just don’t really try to say much anymore to many people anymore… but I do write it. I do talk to my therapists and very much feel heard. Again that a paid 50 minute appointment. My reactions have progressed over the last 21 years. It depends who it’s with. If I get shut down and am silenced I almost immediately start to cry and feel anger. If it was the ex then I used to try to talk about it and express myself, actually defend because his famous go to words were that I was having a psychotic mental episode so I would try to discuss that I was not having a psychotic mental episode and that always made it worse the threat was always what would happen if I tried to ever say anything about it or talk about it. Then it would escalate and it fueled him to get me more reactive and gave him a better claim to say or show anyone and everyone to say SEE? LOOK AT HER! After years not even my twin sister believed what was happening in the courts anymore claiming, “there is no way that this or that could happen!” Again I would try to talk about THAT and discuss it by saying, Why would I lie about that? There are records about it (and never ending records to mention about false things) and the more I would try to discuss it the more nobody would listen and just didn’t want to hear any of it or KNOW ANY OF IT. Then I’d react the same with crying and trying to defend myself. The more I got shut down I would become angry at my breaking point and got into a horrible reaction of swearing. Yes, always made it worse. I sure wish PAA was invented when I needed it the most back then.

7. What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alienator or anyone else?

   I would certainly be in very different place than I am right now. Things changed for me a few years ago with not really knowing that I was making everything worse and I’ve worked hard to build on that but obviously I have so much work to do on this still and it’s really made a difference doing this, this time around and doing 90 meetings in 90 days and joining this PAA Sponsorship Pod.

8. How can I let go of others' problems instead of trying to solve them?

   I can try to remember to use PAA slogan sayings. I can set boundries for myself and try to keep a balance of what I can do and what I can't do.

9. Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?

   I would love to find a quick fix to my problems but I am not actually looking for a quick fix because I don't really think for the most part there are actually quick fixes unless it's small materlistic things that really don't mean much.

10. In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?

    I do for my daughter. I always will.

11. In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else's behavior?

    I actually feel shameful or embarrassed for some of my family's behavior. I do not understand how they can just so carelessly dispose me. If they do this to me then what do they do with others? People deserve to be treated like humans and not something you just throw away when you don't agree with them. Also, with their lack of empthy.

    
    

12. What brought me into PAA? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?

    So I wouldn't feel so alone.

13. Who has expressed concern to me about my behaviors? My health? My children? Give examples.

    My family expressions concerns about me all the time. It's like they think I'm an absolute idiot most of the time. They don't actually express concern, they tell what I am, What I am not. What I did wrong. What I need to do.

14. How do I know when my life is unmanageable?

    When I fall into depression.

15. How have I sought approval and affirmations from others?

    Trying to lose weight. Walking on egg-shells. Paying for things.

16. Do I say "yes" when I want to say "no"? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?

I do this sometimes but not that often but when I do it stresses me out and it takes a toll on me.

17. Do I take care of others easily, but find it hard to care for myself?

    Yes

18. How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?

    I like it when life going smooth but then sometimes it seems like I will intentionally self-sabatoge it because I know or feel like I know something wrong is probably going to happen and for some reason I would rather ruin it myself rather than have someone else ruin it for me. It seems to hurt less. I don't feel more alive in a crisis much anymore but I use to.

19. How well do I take care of myself?

    Not all that well.

20. How do I feel when I am alone?

    I'm totally fine feeling alone. Feeling alone and feeling lonely are 2 seperate things.

21. What is the difference between pity and love?

    Pity is feeling sorry for someone. Love is love! I'm confused about this question.

22. Am I attracted to alienators (etc) and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?

    I more likely attract others who want to try to fix me or resuce me from something.

23. Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?

    Yes.

Welcome to She HAS a Mother.

Welcome to She HAS a Mother.

If you are an alienated parent feeling isolated and broken, you are not alone. I am glad you found my website. Trust me, YOU really aren't alone even though it feels like it. I say that not to just assure you but to remind myself. Parental Alienation is so suffocating and overwhelming that still after 15-1/2 years (2nd & successful attempt) of being alienated from my now 21-1/2 year old adult daughter and stepson nearing age 40 I still get speechless and have my grief breakdowns from the trauma of my children not being in my life and everything that happened to them, to me, to my family.

Point Blank... YOU didn't deserve this. Your KIDS certainly NEVER, NEVER, NEVER should have been EVER forced to be so cruelly abused by the hands of their own other parent FOR NO REASON! I am sorry this happened to you. To Your kids. To everyone in your life that this hell effected.

Listen. She HAS a Mother. is now 10 years old (5+ years after my daughter was taken). The one thing I can truthfully state is there are still no concrete answers how to stop alienation. There is no one answer how to get your kids back. But you can get your own life back. I know I still am always trying to continuously heal and grow. I know that starts with knowing I am still that person and Mother that I have always been.

It's been over 21 years of dealing with this and almost 16 years of being fully alienated from my daughter & stepson. I am still trying to come to terms with my own family's alienating behaviors. Alienation is a family disease and will get passed down from generation to generation if left unresolved. Though we may not be able to change the alienator (child, parent, spouse, etc.), we discover there is one person we can change – ourselves. By concentrating on healing ourselves emotionally, spiritually and physically, we are acknowledging that we are important, lovable and that the work to heal the family system needs to start with us, the individual.

I still keep finding new and more healing opportunities. I know I will never give up hope that my daughter and stepson will find their way to come back home to me one day. I never give up hope to find healing with my family. I never give up wanting to live my live my life fully and be the happiest person and Mother I can be whether or not my daughter and stepson want to be in my life.

I hope you find the parental alienation resources here on She Has a Mother are helpful to you as they have been to me over the years. While all the World-Known PA Experts are important my site is geared towards the works of Karen Woodall. I have recently* moved to a new state and have been in a massive overhall of having to replace my new care team and professionals so I decided to start a new blog to go along with these new healing opprotunities.

I started this post with saying that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Do yourself the best thing to know THAT, to understand THAT and feel THAT with attending a Parental Alienation Anonymous Zoom Meeting. It's a community of other alienated parents and THEY UNDERSTAND... THEY ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH...I promise you that they will change your life.

PAA is not intended to get your kids back...

IT IS intended to GET YOUR LIFE BACK!

PAA Info

Basic Q&A’s About the Alienation

of my Daughter & Stepson

The courts & systems are another thing. My own family's alienating behavior are yet another thing.

When did my daughter's parental alienation start?

About my 6th month of pregnancy in 2004

At what age was my daughter actually taken?

My little girl was finally taken for good in this abusive father’s second and successful alienation attempt when she was only 6-1/2 years old back in 2011.  Just 2 weeks after she started 1st Grade.

How old is she now?

My daughter is now an adult at 21-1/2 years old.

Do I get to see or talk to my daughter?

Since age 6-1/2 until she became an adult and aged out of the court system I only saw my little girl for a grand total of 92-1/2 "Supervised" HOURS. Those measly few SUPERVISED hours were ALL scattered in the first 3 years, w/weeks, months, 1-1/2 years in between. Then for the next 6-1/2+ YEARS I was refused to have any contact with her. Finally in Spring 2020 in a true miracle thanks to my therapist I got to see her for 50 minutes (w/2 therapists).

Since becoming an adult and because she is a actress I have had 2 miraculous encounters with her after her performances in these last 3 years. She has let see one of her instagram accounts since her senior year in high school. After she graduated I was able to get her cell number and text her every 1-2 weeks. Although she doesn't respond she was religiously "reading" my texts almost immediately up until these last 6 months and no longer "reads" them.

Do I have other children that are alienated from me?

Yes. I have a adult step-son (nearing age 40) who was in 8th grade when I became his step-mom. He was in college when my daughter was taken and also was instantly alienated at the same time. While my step-son also still remains alienated he is a public figure and an actor so he frequently Is featured through the different media platforms and so it feels like I at least get to see him that way. Since he was alienated I have seen many of his performances and had one fabulous personal run-in with him at a show but was many years ago. I only have access to his professional social media accounts and tried many many times to reach out to him but still have never received any responses.

What was the method of alienation this father used?

This father’s method of alienation and to get immediate full custody of my daughter has been to file false Order of Protections (OFPs) and has done so before my daughter was even 1-1/2 years old. On his second and successful attempt when she was 6-1/2 years old was filing his straight solid DECADE of overlapping, never-ending, continuous and repetitive false Orders of Protections, Harassment Orders and 8* attempted criminal charges with a bargain of successfully getting 2 frivolous criminal charges filed against me. NO, he did NOT act alone to make all of this possible.

What were the 2 criminal charges about?

Because he had Order of Protection(s) against me technically the 2 criminal charges were for violating Order of Protections. The 2 frivolous non-violent criminal charges that happened were because:

1.) Right after he took her I was in the hospital and I tried to call her. The early court order stated my rights saying I have rights to call my child. So, of course I called my child from my hospital bed. So, there was conflicting information with the early divorce court orders and that OFP court order that happened at the same time. I had every reason to believe I could call my daughter. Apparently I couldn't because I guess the OFP court order trumped the Divorce court order.

2.) That same year at Christmas time while he was still refusing to let me see my daughter and then on Christmas, so I had emailed my lawyer and CC'd his lawyer asking what was the plan for telling her about Santa Clause presents that first year. I received a reply back believing it was from his lawyer and automatically hit "send all" with my response back to both of our lawyers. What I didn't realize that HIS lawyer had added this father to my email conversation without my consent and without my knowledge so my reply didn't just get sent to BOTH OUR LAWYERS but it ALSO got sent to THIS FATHER. He instantly filed criminal charges.

WHAT kind of threats did this father make?

Much more information about this father's threats and promises will be discussed in my new blog while I am working with my new therapist still needing more healing around this subject.

I think these top 2 threats/promises can give you a base for an idea what kind of threats this father was making.

1.) In the 7th month of my pregnancy after finalizing some birth plans with my OB-GYN, I came home to excitedly announce to this father that I had decided to breast-feed my daughter. This father's narcissistic mask fell instantly and it was like turning a light switch on with the abusive controlling response of a complete total stranger and someone I had never met in my life. This was not the man I had married. Immediately he aggressively stated, "As of right now I AM IN CONTROL! I will make ever single decision WHAT you will do and WHAT will happen from THIS point on. You are sadly mistaken IF you think ANY of your plans to breast-feed will ever happen. If YOU ever dare to try to tell anyone what I say or do I will MAKE SURE that you are NEVER BELIEVED. IF you ever try to bring up or talk about what I have decided YOU will FIND OUT what happens!"

2.) 2 days before he took my daughter at age 6-1/2 by another false OFP, he violently abused me while she was still trapped in our blankets from the night before when she came downstairs where I had been staying to keep clear of him and she asked me if she could sleep on the couch with me because she missed me. The next day I told him, "THIS is done! We ARE getting a divorce because this child will NEVER see her own father ever get violent to her own Mother EVER AGAIN!!!" He came back with his threat and promise, "You will NEVER GET HER! You will merrily walk out of our lives and NEVER EXIST AGAIN just as if YOU NEVER EXISTED EVEN IN THE FIRST PLACE!!"

Horrifically, word for word, threat for threat, promise for promise - it is over 21 years later, almost 16 years later AND it became true.

WHAT are THESE first couple FALSE OFPS ARE REALLY ABOUT?

Much more information about this father's abuse & false orders will be discussed in my new blog while I working with my therapist still needing more healing around this subject.

These first couple false Order of Protections were after he physically abused me and in order to not get caught he immediately filed his false Order of Protections claiming it was ME who ABUSED HIM. Then added his formula to get Ex-Parte OFPs and instant custody by also claiming that my daughter is terrified of me and thinks I want to KILL HER then also adding I was having MENTAL PSYCHOTIC EPISODES. This father's exact same formula was also constantly stated to police and used non-stop to the courts, court appointed professionals, her therapists, etc. I was literally always so instantly traumatized, beyond panic stricken, frozen and paralyzed in horrifying fear and am still.

As the years progressed, he stayed with this exact same formula but would then vary his extreme life dangerous false accusations that he needed to get his next new continuous overlapping OFPs, HROs, Criminal Charges continued before his previous orders expired and to get the new extreme level of the years and/or charges he was wanting. THAT went on for more than a solid decade until my daughter aged out of the court system. NO, he did not act alone for all of this to happen.

I've Mentioned this father did not act alone. what is that ABOUT?

Much more information about the courts and systems will be discussed in my new blog while I am working with my therapist still needing more healing around this subject.

One does not achieve this alone. In over a decade of Family Court not only was there zero testimony, zero cross-testimony, zero evidence,  zero witnesses & zero investigations there was no custody hearing and complete refusal verbally and in court documents to state why I was refused all physical and legal custody and why I was only allowed 91-1/2 "supervised" hours with my daughter or why I had to be supervised. The injustice falls solely on the Head Judge who finally left our case after 7 years to become the next SUPREME COURT JUSTICE. Then it took 2 more Judges and the next 3 years to stop this father from filing anymore false orders and charges. 

THE SENERITY PRAYER

God (your higher power). please grant me the serenity

to accept the things I can not change,

The courage that I can.

And the Wisdom to know the difference.