Rejected Parents
by World-Known PA Expert Karen Woodall
Think Like a "Therapeutic Parent"
is NOW part of a series of seminars led by PA Expert Karen Woodall
& a soon-to-be-published parenting handbook
"Therapeutic Parenting for Alienated Children"
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Think Like a Therapeutic Parent – Understanding, Writing, Communicating, Signalling and Managing Your Relationship with An Alienated Child
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Alienated children are suffering from disorganised attachments due to the situational pressures upon them caused by divorce/separation and/or a parent’s influence due to psychological/psychiatric issues.
Whilst many people claim that children’s alignment and rejection behaviour is caused by high conflict, clinical work with alienated children demonstrates that this misunderstands what is happening in the child’s world.
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Alienation of children, when experienced close up, is seen as a defensive response to the trauma of the child being driven to regulate an unpredictable caregiver in order to stabilise the family system and regain a sense of safety.
For children whose world is turned upside down by family separation, the onset of the alignment reaction might be slow at first or it might be sudden, the child may be able to tolerate movement between homes or may completely withdraw from one parent becoming hyper-aligned with the other.
The path to alienation is unique for each child but the common denominator is situational disorganised attachment behaviour which appears after the child is exposed to unpredictability in the family system.
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Disorganised attachments are well recognised in the trauma literature as arising in children who are neglected or abused.
The Family Separation Clinic understands alienated children as suffering from both neglect AND abuse in the relationship with the parent they are driven to regulate. This is because this parent neglects their emotional and psychological needs in favour of the coercion of the child to regulate parental need, whilst simultaneously causing the child to feel fear and anxiety about their other parent.
This double bind position causes the child to enter into a hyper-aligned state of mind in which their fear of abandonment by this parent, is calmed by mirroring back to them a shared animosity about the other parent who is now placed at a distance. This fused, dyadic relationship response, which flags serious boundary violations such as enmeshment, can cause a long-term impact on a child beyond the rejection of a healthy parent capable of providing healthy care.
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Therapeutic Parenting is an approach to working with alienated children which has been adapted by the Family Separation Clinic from work with abused children who are fostered and adopted and pioneered (in mild) to severe cases of alienation of children both inside and outside of the Family Courts.
Based upon successful work with families where children have been severely alienated, including those making serious allegations against a parent, this approach works effectively to heal the parent in the rejected position from the reactive splitting trauma which is caused by the child’s rejection, to build powerful skills for thinking and responding to alienated children’s disorganised attachments therapeutically.
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What You Will Learn
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How to recognise projections and persecutory patterns of behaviours entangling your child
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How to spot traps being set by projections and avoid them
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How to understand what your child is thinking
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Where your child goes when they enter into psychological splitting
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How to identify where your child is on the alienation journey from onset to recovery
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Mapping, mentalising and mobilising your key responses to children’s disorganised attachment behaviours
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How to use words to connect with your alienated child
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Modelling critical thinking from near and far​
Delivered by Karen Woodall a specialist in treating alienation in children through use of therapeutic parenting both inside and outside of the Family Courts, this second in a series of Spring Seminars, focuses upon helping you to reframe your thinking from that of victim survivor to skilled and confident therapeutic parent capable of responding to the changing needs of alienated children.
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Think like a Therapeutic Parent is part of a series of seminars based upon the parenting hand book by Karen Woodall ‘Therapeutic Parenting for Alienated Children, which will be published later this year.
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2024 REACTIVE SPLITTING in PARENTS in the REJECTED POSITION:
Understanding, Coping, Healing and Helping Alienated Children
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Our work at the Family Separation Clinic is increasingly focused on) a model of intervention which involves the parent in the rejected position as a key component of therapeutic care for children who have suffered from induced psychological splitting in divorce and separation.
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This is a relational model, which incorporates:
Object Relations Theory for understanding what is happening in the family system. ​
Attachment Theory for understanding the impact on the child’s relational capacity. ​
plus Relational Trauma and Structural Therapy for understanding how to respond to the within a setting where the family system is fragmented and maladapted.​​​
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In addition to these elements, adapted therapeutic parenting training is given to the parent in the rejected position in circumstances where they are identified as interested and able to take up a new way of parenting their child. This training includes learning how to understand and use a new approach to understanding the symbolic language of alienated children and respond to it in a way which promotes integration of part selves.
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This model identifies the healthy parent in the family affected by a child’s alignment and rejection response and utilizes the attachment between that parent and the child as a cornerstone for therapeutic intervention.
This parent takes up the position of anchor to the intervention, providing kinship care where it is necessary (when the child is being abused by the parent to whom they are aligned).
This anchor placement incorporates routine, consistency, curiosity and high attunement to the child’s disorganized attachment behaviors.
This model is based upon social work child protection procedures and works with moderate to severely alienated children
(who are found in Court) to be in emotionally and/or psychologically abusive relationships with a parent.
Children in such circumstances are recognized by the Family Separation Clinic as having suffered relational trauma, which occurs in interpersonal relationships and can cause a cumulative impact in developmental terms (Cruz, Lichten, Berg & George, 2022).
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Disorganized attachment behaviors are seen in children who have suffered abuse and neglect (and the Family Separation Clinic) identifies children who have been in the care of a parent who has violated interpersonal boundaries through behaviors such as enmeshment or coercive control (amongst other behaviors), as abused AND neglected children.
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The abuse of the child is exposure to dynamics that overwhelms the child’s right to an independent sense of self.
The neglect of the child is caused by the positioning of the healthy parent at the margins of the child’s life, leaving the child without the healthy parenting they are entitled to receive.
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Disorganized attachment behavior explains very well why children, who are said to be alienated, behave in recognizable ways.
Dan Siegal talks below about the terrorizing of children and the result of that on the fragmentation of the internal sense of self.
Acting out behaviors that result in an inability to understand other people’s feelings, leads to difficulty in forming relationships further down the line.
Understanding the disorganized attachment behaviors in alienated children, however, requires further understanding of how children who are exposed to terrorizing behaviors in circumstances where they cannot escape due to the power a parent holds over them, will maladapt their behaviors to soothe and regulate the frightening or unpredictable caregiver.
What this looks like is a child who is strongly aligned with a parent who is recognized by others as being abusive and strongly rejecting a parent who is recognized as healthy.
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Training Parents to Provide Therapeutic Anchoring
As a psychotherapist with fifteen years experience in working with alienated children and their families, I have long been aware that the therapy which is necessary for children in these circumstances is that which addresses underlying attachment disorders.
I have also been aware that the best person to provide therapeutic anchoring for the alienated child is a parent in the rejected position. This is because recovery from relational trauma, is always achieved through relationships and the best therapeutic anchor for recovery from this relational trauma is a healthy parent with whom the child has an attachment.
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Training parents in therapeutic parenting, to be an effective therapeutic anchor in a team approach with a therapist skilled in understanding and holding all of the elements of the understanding of this family attachment trauma, is, therefore, the best route to enabling recovery.
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Anchoring the Parent in order to Anchor the Child
​Anchoring parents in the rejected position requires an understanding of the reactive splitting trauma that they have suffered, as a result of being rejected by their child in circumstances where they have been helpless to prevent the onset of the child’s disorganized attachment responses to abuse.
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In such circumstances, a depth understanding and deep respect for the often complex trauma response which is experienced by the parent is a necessary condition for the delivery of support by the therapist.
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It is not enough for a parent to hear from a therapist that they understand the problem, the therapist must be able to demonstrate their understanding through the building of an empathic partnership with the parent which is committed to supporting the parent to recover from the impact of relational trauma.
Parents in the rejected position are abused people who are often good enough parents but who have suffered serious relational trauma at the hands of a parent who is skilled at the manipulation of others. Futhermore, the societal conflict and controversy which is manufactured around this serious harm to children, denies these victims of coercive and manipulative abuse the acknowledgment they deserve, while campaigners against the concept of maternal manipulation of children in divorce, seek to project blame at them.
The concentric circles of abuse which is suffered by parents in the rejected position should therefore not be underestimated and the preparation and support given to them should be significant.
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The following diagram explains the impact of relational trauma which occurs when children reject parents and the input which is necessary to enable parents take up the position of therapeutic parent in order to provide anchoring for the alienated child in recovery. ( Excerpt from Family Separation Clinic Social Work Training Pathway -Therapeutic Parenting Training for Parents in the Rejected Position 2023/24)
2020 REACTIVE SPLITTING in REJECTED PARENTS:
The hidden cost of living with negative projection
The emphasis I am working with here is the impact on the parent and the child vulnerable to alienation – I’m trying to keep the focus on what parents can do to assist their child without replicating the heroes and villains motif. If we focus on the villain of the piece who often can’t change we prolong reactive splitting and helping parents avoid reactive splitting is what this piece is about.
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​In recent articles I have been talking about splitting, a defense mechanism which is used by the alienated child to cope with the intolerable situation in which they cannot love both of their parents.
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Whatever the reason they are getting the message that it is not ok to love both parents, splitting is the defense that comes into play to resolve the problem.
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Splitting as a defense mechanism is accompanied by denial and projection, two more defense mechanisms which come into play when someone is unable to tolerate the dynamics in the outside world around them.
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Johnstone and Robey (1997, P.204) suggested that the alienated child is likely to have sustained early developmental damage and indeed, in clinical work with families, it becomes apparent that alienated children are likely to be already vulnerable to the adult feelings and behaviors around them.
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The splitting which occurs as a defense, occurs in the child first and is then projected outwards onto the parents.
In working with children of all ages who have entered into a hyper-aligned and rejecting pattern of behavior, this is the one clear sign which denotes that their behavior is a defense mechanism.
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Projection is a valuable tool in understanding the internal experience of the person suffering, and it is denoted by the intensity of focus upon another and the denial in the self of what is being seen in others.
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Projection is used by people who do not know themselves very well, by the undeveloped personality and those with low self-esteem. Being unable to handle positive and negative feelings about the self, being placed in a position of being unable to express the self or resolve problems, projection comes into play in order to resolve the tension this creates.​
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A child aged between 8 and 14 is in the throes of developing a knowledge of self and if this child is already vulnerable due to hidden developmental trauma for example:
- their ability to build the blocks of self-confidence is interrupted, - if the child is providing regulatory support for a parent,
- if the child is exposed to high levels of anxiety in the inter-psychic relationship with a parent
- and if the child cannot express the tensions this causes for them, splitting of the difficult feelings from the conscious mind is a distinct possibility.
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When the splitting of difficult feelings takes place, the child divides their own internalized sense of self into good and bad first.
This means that they divide their self-identification with both of their parents into two distinct parts... and (they) deny the negative, (while) leaving (only the positive in) their conscious mind. *i reworded that to make better sense....
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When the projection begins, the positive is projected at a parent who is the major cause of the tensions around the child, either through active or passive influence. This parent receives that projection of positivity with gratitude, relieved that the child has ‘picked me’. The negative feelings are then projected at the parent who is being rejected.
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One of the most common phrases heard in clinical work with aligned parents is "she/he has come to a point where he/she recognizes how bad/controlling/difficult the rejected parent is. I am not going to force him/her to see that parent when he/she has just realized this."
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What is being expressed here, is the relief that the child has aligned their views and experience with the parent and that they are now fused in a defensive coalition which calms the aligned parent and keeps them feeling safe.
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The onset of splitting in divorce and separation begins in the child and is projected outwards at the parents.
This means that the child now identifies those elements of the self which are connected to the rejected parent, as being bad things and sees them only in that parent.
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Receiving this negative projection, the parent is at first bewildered and then angry, confused, and then distressed, frustrated, and then anxious, and eventually disorientated as they enter into a reactive splitting of the self.
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This splitting of the self in rejected parents manifests as a distinct pattern of behaviors (feeling spaced out, uncertain about memories, emotionally vulnerable, and strong feelings of helplessness which some liken to feeling as if they are drowning).
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All of these feelings are symptomatic of trauma in which the negative projection from the child, has triggered concentric circles of negative projections from professionals, friends and family, and the wider world.​
When I first began working with rejected parents, I noticed a pattern of numbness and disconnection from their own sense of self as a parent. I wondered where the parent in them had disappeared to? In the place of the parent appeared to be a harmed child who was bewildered and highly anxious and in need of support and stabilization.
I understand now that this is the result of living with hidden trauma and the hidden trauma is the negative projection that rejected parents are being forced to carry every day of their lives.
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Negative projection carries with it the force of all that is being denied by the person projecting it and thus it is full of toxicity and can knock you off balance.
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If your child is projecting that you are harmful, scary, dangerous and a thoroughly bad person, this is not about you, it is about the strength of the messaging, both covert and overt, the child has been subjected to. The stronger the projection, the stronger the messaging. The stronger the messaging the more the child has had to raise the defenses in order to survive.​​
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Negative projection is harmful to your well-being. Think of it as a stream of vexatious and malicious negativity that is being beamed your way, capturing in it others who have no idea that it is a projection, who spend their time examining you to see what it is about you that is so wrong.​​​
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Naive practitioners spend an awful lot of time working on the rejected parent to try and make them better parents because they too have fallen into the negative projection stream.
Friends and family may do the same.
The problem with negative projection is that the louder you scream, "It’s NOT ME", the more everyone believes that your denial hides the truth.
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Carrying negative projections can be exhausting and it is vital that anyone in this position gets help to cope with the impact of this.
(One of the ways that you can help yourself in these circumstances is to stay away from online groups which mirror the heroes and villains’ theme which denotes that splitting is in play.)
The world is not about heroes and villains. It is not about good and bad. All people do good and bad things, stuff happens and in the case of alienation, it is not well understood as it should be – yet. But we are getting there. ​​
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One way of coping is to deeply understand the problem of splitting and denial and projection.
As I said I would, I am going to share with you resources that can help you on this journey of recovery and resilience building so that you can provide for your child the healthy parenting they desperately need.
And even if you can only signal to your child that you are still here, using this healthy approach, in which you help yourself back to health first and then stay buoyant and resilient in the face of the projections, and that is enough for now.
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(Lighthouse Project short film on emotions) Starting from the beginning, we will examine all of those things which make for healthy relationships and build these up to support you to understand more, learn how to regulate yourself more easily, recover more strength, and build a lighter, brighter, more resilient self.
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Because as the other half of your child’s identity, you are the person best placed to offer them health and integration in their own recovery.
2024 Between Stimulus and Response:
Lighthouse Keeping for Parents in the Rejected Position
& Post-Separation Abuse
This weekend I have been the subject of yet another round of lurid headlines, this time in the Irish Mail on Sunday. As usual, the evidence upon which this hit piece rests, are the self-reports of mothers who say their children have been given to abusive fathers.
To clarify, while I have worked in one High Court case in Ireland, I am not currently working there, a fact the journalist was aware of when she wrote the article. In addition, the sanction which makes up the headline, was not about fitness to practice and has been public knowledge for almost a decade (and raised in practically every single case I have worked in).
The reality is that this article is just another in a long line of attacks I have faced for raising awareness of the harm caused to children when they are triangulated into adult matters in divorce and separation by abusive parents.
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Headlines such as this, which go along with the usual unpleasantness on social media platforms, is something I have grown used to over the years, but it can still, when it comes out of the blue, trigger reaction.
In this respect what I experience is similar to parents in the rejected position, whose lives are peppered with unexpected attacks and trigger events which cause psychological and emotional distress.
Learning to move from reaction, which is caused by a sense of helplessness and injustice, to response, which comes from a place of regulation and observation of the underlying motives of those who attack, is an essential task for all parents who find themselves in the rejected position.
Learning how to withstand personal and in my case, professional attacks, are part of what we call learning to live in (the lighthouse) position.
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Living in the lighthouse position is a metaphor for being able to move into an observing position when under emotional and psychological attack.
Many parents in the rejected position experience personal attacks from their children as they become conduits for a post-separation abuse pattern of behavior which is enacted by one parent against the other.
Post-separation abuse is defined as patterns of abusive behavior which continue after the end of a relationship (and in the UK, as of April 2023, the law changed to include post-separation abuse under the Serious Crimes Act (2015) – the Act made coercive and controlling behavior a criminal offense.)
Facing post-separation abuse from an ex-partner is one thing, facing it as it is channeled through the actions of your child is something else entirely and this particular pattern of abuse has a sinister element to it in that it entangles the recipient in a series of actions and reactions which cause the child to come to believe that the parent who is being abused, is the abuser.
(Similar to reactive abuse and narcissistic abuse also in my (She HAS a Mother.) case.
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This element of post-separation abuse is what my work is all about and helping mothers and fathers in the rejected position to avoid the dynamics which lead to the child being inveigled into this distorted viewpoint, is what training parents in therapeutic parenting aims to achieve.
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Working in the space between stimulus and response means being able to regulate the self in the face of extreme uncertainty and anxiety.
For parents in the rejected position, this means being able to stand still and not react to the provocations which are caused by a child who is being harmed and being harmful as part of that dynamic.
Being able to recognize that a child who is being manipulated, is at once being abused and abusive, is key to being able to provide the safety that the child needs so that your responses to escalations of difficult behaviors respond to the disorganized attachment behaviors the child is displaying.
Knowing that the child is an unconscious conduit of an abusive adult’s negative transferential material, means that you can avoid knee jerk reactions and find a calm place from which to set and maintain boundaries.
Understanding that negative projections from the abusive parent are the split of parts of self that are intolerable to that person, means that you do not allow those projections to stick.
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It is NOT easy however, to not react when under psychological attack, but it becomes easier when you understand how negative projections work.
If I use myself as an example, and this week’s MoS piece and observe those who are fervently reposting this on social media, along with a photo of me which is, shall we say, less than flattering, the intent of those reposting it is to regain a sense of control over what they cannot tolerate being exposed, (that some mothers can and do harm their children).
Those who are the most active in reposting on social media therefore, are those who promote the self-reports of mothers who claim that their children were removed and given to abusive fathers, meaning that for them, this media piece about me MUST be exposing the truth because it vindicates their hatred of me and thus, anything positive which is said about me elsewhere MUST, by definition, be a lie.
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This is how psychological splitting defenses work, the drive is to keep the self-regulated by ensuring that what is intolerable in the self is projected onto others.
This is how post-separation abusive patterns of behaviors operate and it is why children become triangulated into them.
When controlling people feel angry and divested of the ability to control others, mocking, belittling, shaming and blaming are core behaviors and when children are exposed to this, their inability to differentiate their own feelings from that of their controlling parent quickly disappears.
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Which is why being able to work in the space between stimulus and response is so essential for parents in the rejected position, especially when the attacks come from your own children.
Becoming entangled in a controlling parent’s negative projections is a real risk for parents in the rejected position, whose reactions can swiftly be used as bait to convince the child that they are the real abuser.
It is no different for anyone working with families affected by a child’s alignment and rejection behaviors, who will find themselves in the middle of negative projections and shame and blame whenever they identify who the abuser in the family system really is.
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In our Lighthouse Keeping groups and on our courses we are working to support, stabilize and anchor and educate parents in the rejected position to understand the dynamics inherent in post-separation abuse patterns of behaviors.
In doing so we are building a strong and confident community, skilled in recognizing the trips and traps in coping with being in the rejected position and capable of looking ahead at the points where it becomes possible to assist children with disorganized attachment behaviors to recover.
Always alive to the external narratives of projection and primitive defenses, this community is a place of safety, where parents can work with others and develop their own networks of support and feel protected.
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The world of children’s alignment and rejection behaviors after divorce and separation, which we call Childhood Relational Trauma, is a place of risk, uncertainty and negative projection.
Learning to live in the lighthouse position means working in the space between stimulus and response, a place of growth and freedom from the primitive defenses which stalk this landscape.
As someone who works in this space, I, like all parents in the rejected position am not immune to its challenges.
When you live in the space between stimulus and response however, the light shines just as brightly, whatever the weather.
“Reactive abuse” describes situations where a person who has endured sustained abusive behavior reacts aggressively towards their abuser. The abusive partner often manipulates this reaction to shift blame and create a false narrative of so-called “mutual abuse” (more on this below). However, this behavior is self-defense, a response to ongoing harm, and should not be equated with abusive behavior.
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Signs of reactive abuse
It can be challenging to recognize when you or a loved one are in an abusive relationship, but these three stages demonstrate what an abusive relationship with reactive abuse can look like.
1. Antagonism
The abuser deliberately provokes their partner, pushing them to react in anger or frustration. These habits may not seem harmful initially, but they can eventually cause a person to hit their breaking point. Here are a few examples of behaviors that can trigger reactive abuse:
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Asking you a personal or triggering question, especially around other people
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Posting or commenting on your social media in an intentionally triggering way
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Intentionally violating your emotional or physical boundaries
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“Forgetting” to do something intentionally
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Baiting you into arguments and then belittling your reaction
2. Proof
Once the partner reacts, the abuser quickly seizes the opportunity to use this reaction as “proof” that the partner is the abusive one. This can involve recording the outburst on video, taking photographs of any physical responses, or simply recounting the incident to friends, family, or authorities in a way that frames them as the victim. By capturing these moments of reactive behavior, the abuser constructs a narrative that supports their version of events and shifts attention away from their abusive actions.
However, abuse is fundamentally about power and control. The abuser, who holds the most power in the relationship, will use their partner’s reaction to manipulate and control the narrative.
3. Turning the tables
Turning the tables is a tactic frequently employed in reactive abuse. Here, the abuser shifts the blame onto their partner, claiming that the relationship problems or conflicts are due to the partner’s aggressive behavior. This tactic is used to deflect responsibility and perpetuate the cycle of abuse. By portraying their partner as the primary aggressor, the abuser not only avoids accountability but also reinforces their control over the narrative of the relationship. This manipulation can leave the partner feeling isolated, misunderstood, and doubting their own experiences of abuse.
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Mental health consequences of prolonged abuse
If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of abuse or witnessed a loved one in an abusive relationship, you know firsthand that prolonged abuse can significantly affect a person’s mental and physical health. Being in a relationship with abusive behavior patterns can cause long-term emotional trauma, such as post-traumatic stress disorder, as well as short-term symptoms like:
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Fear
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Shame
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Anxiety
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Confusion
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Hopelessness
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Powerlessness
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Guilt
Is there a link between reactive abuse and narcissism?
Reactive abuse can happen in various abusive relationships, including those involving narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional abuse used by people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) to control, exploit, and undermine others. While many people occasionally display narcissistic traits, those with NPD have an excessive sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a need for constant admiration. In relationships, they may manipulate, gaslight, belittle, and control others for their own gain.
Narcissistic abusers often push their victims to provoke a reaction. When the victim reaches their breaking point and reacts with anger, frustration, or aggression, the narcissist uses this reaction to manipulate the situation further. They may portray themselves as the victim, justify their abusive behavior, and use the victim’s reaction as evidence to discredit their claims or deflect responsibility.
Narcissistic abuse is harmful and indicates a toxic relationship dynamic. Seeking professional help, such as therapy or support groups, can be crucial for victims to break free from this abusive cycle and regain their emotional well-being.​
What is narcissistic abuse?
Until recently, narcissistic abuse had been a concept mostly found on social media, forums, psychology blogs, and in self-help books. However, in February and March of 2023, the concept of “narcissistic abuse” entered the mainstream cultural zeitgeist. All of a sudden, hundreds of people are searching for education. But because there isn’t much trustworthy information available, many internet researchers may be coming up short.
Narcissistic abuse is any abuse experienced in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits.
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Those who provide specialized support for narcissistic abuse recovery describe a cycle with three stages: idealize, devalue, and discard.
Idealize
The theory of the narcissistic abuse cycle begins with the “idealize” stage of emotional manipulation. If someone with persistent grandiose narcissistic tendencies assigns another person with status and value, they may pursue them very heavily.
What does narcissistic abuse feel like in the “idealize” stage?:
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Being on the receiving end of love bombing
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Having someone tell you they’ve never met anyone like you before and that you’re who they’ve been waiting for
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Hearing grandiose claims like “we are soulmates” early on
Devalue
The “devalue” stage contrasts starkly with the “idealize” stage, but it may begin slowly or only happen privately. If “idealize” is about building someone up, “devalue” is about starting to break someone down.
What does narcissistic abuse feel like in the “devalue” stage?:
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Being told they thought you were different and must have tricked them
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In their view, failing in comparison to exes or other friends or loved ones
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Hearing you were never good enough and aren’t worth the trouble
Discard
The “discard” stage is precisely what it sounds like—the abuser drops the person seemingly out of the blue. This stage may include verbal abuse, cold accusations, and other forms of emotional blackmail designed to shatter the person. It can be difficult, in this stage, to know what is real and what is manipulation because they’re so confident in their actions.
What does narcissistic abuse feel like in the “discard” stage?:
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Being called a “crazy bitch” or other mean names.
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Accusing you of cheating, lying, or otherwise being a bad person.
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Blaming you for their cold and calculated behavior.
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The effects of narcissistic abuse
Experiencing chronic physical, emotional, or verbal abuse of any kind—whether from a grandiose narcissistic parent or narcissistic relationship in youth, from intimate partner violence or domestic violence, or another form of an abusive relationship—can lead to:
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Depression
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Anxiety
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Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
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Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD)
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Substance use disorders
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Suicidality
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Echoism (struggling to have a voice after a relationship with a narcissistic person)
The long-term mental health and other effects of narcissistic abuse are sometimes referred to as narcissistic abuse syndrome, but this isn’t diagnosable.
Supporting Mothers Who Are Rejected by Children
After Divorce & Separation​​
It is Mother’s Day in the U.K. and this post is in support of those mothers who are rejected by their children after divorce and separation in situations where they are subjected to ongoing coercive control and domestic abuse strategies. These are the true victims of abuse, whose voices are too often silenced by the campaigners against Parental Alienation Theory, these are the mothers with whom I work regularly.
I understand domestic abuse and coercive control of women and men because I work with it daily. I see how mothers are rejected by children because the control behaviours that they have suffered, have been switched to their children in the process of divorce or separation. I know that those mothers who suffer the most are those whose experience is ignored in favour of the good women/bad men trope which drives the campaigners who seek to hide the harm being done to children by some women. My work with equalities for the Oxfam UK Poverty Programme however, taught me to understand domestic abuse and coercive control from a psychological perspective rather than through a feminist lens and I continue to work within that framework, identifying and supporting those who are true victims of this pattern of post separation control.
Children who reject their mothers after divorce and separation display a pattern of behaviours which includes contemptuousness, an omnipotent belief that they are entitled to cut off their mother and often, mimicry of their father’s portryal of their mother as mad or bad or otherwise deficient in parenting. Fathers who cause children to reject mothers, display the same behaviours as mothers who cause their children to reject their fathers, showing distinct patterns in which they will claim that the mother was never really maternal, didn’t bond with the children, was a poor/absent/working mother, was cruel or unkind and other claims which are not substantiated with evidence. Fathers will say to professionals that they really want their children to have a relationship with their mother ‘if only she would change her ways.’ Fathers who cause children to reject their mother often have their own mother or sister acting as if they are a replacement mother to the children. The atmosphere of mother rejection is familiar to me and alienating fathers are often very difficult to work with due to their resistance to intervention, especially by female practitioners.
Standing up to fathers who manipulate their children requires a capacity to say no to a man who has hitherto had everything his own way. Men who manipulate their children are skilled at manipulating adults too and can be charming, friendly and welcoming, until their narrative is challenged, at which point they may become vicious in their pursuit of the person who has caused narcissistic wounding. Some of the worst patterns of harassment that I have experienced, has been at the hands of alienating fathers after an intervention to remove children from harm, so much so in some cases, that restraining orders have been necessary, (making the constant claims that I am misogynist in my work, ironic to say the least).
On Mother’s Day in the U.K. I want to say to those mums whose children are rejecting them due to the behaviours of manipulative fathers, that I see you and I hear you. I understand your plight and I know that the situation that you are in is increasingly recognised as child and partner abuse. Amidst the noise from the ideological campaigners, it is difficult to know that progress is being made in understanding and treating the problem, but it is and it will continue regardless of what is done to try to prevent it.
Children need their healthy mothers, underneath their rejection is the love and attachment which belongs to you and only you. As we say in our Listening Circles, attended by many mothers from around the world, the only person holding the missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle, which is the child’s recovery from attachment trauma, is you. Mothers in the rejected position after divorce and separation matter, they matter because without them, children cannot complete the recovery from the defence of splitting and cannot experience an integrated sense of self.
Abused children of divorce and separation depend upon parents in the rejected position to be there when they are able to come home. To all of the mothers who are waiting for that day, I send you my love, my solidarity and my support. I know who you are and I know from my work with alienated children, just how much you matter.
2018 Empowering Target Parents of Parental Alienation
by World-Known PA Expert Dr. Craig Childress
https://www.paawareness.com/empowering-target-parents-of-parental-alienation-dr-craig-childress/
Hello, I’m Dr. Craig Childress. Thank you for joining me for this series of YouTube videos.
In this video series I’m talking to you the targeted parent, the child’s authentic parent, regarding our efforts to rescue and recover your children from the psychological and developmental child abuse that’s parental alienation.
Let me begin by explaining the nature of the problem you’re facing and then I’ll explain the solution. Your problem is twofold. First, and most importantly, you cannot protect your children. Until we can protect your child, you can’t ask your child to expose his or her vulnerability, his or her authenticity, to the vicious retaliation that’s sure to follow from a narcissistic borderline parent, from your ex. If your child ever exposes his or her authentic love for you, if your child shows any love for you or simply doesn’t reject you completely enough, with enough display of anxious fearfulness, of enough angry venom then your child will face a withering psychological retaliation from the narcissistic borderline parent, from your ex.
Your child is being held as a psychological hostage. They’re being forced to say and do things that are contrary to their authenticity. Unless we can first rescue your children, unless we can first protect your children, we can’t ask them to reveal their authenticity to the psychological brutality with the narcissistic borderline parent. And they’re hostage taker, the narcissistic borderline parent is more powerful than you are. They’re able to completely disempower you, remain helpless. You’re not able to rescue your children from them. So your child must do whatever he or she must do in order to survive in the dangerous psychological world in which they must live. You cannot rescue them. You are powerless to rescue them, so they must do what they must. They must reject you in order to survive psychologically in a dangerous world in which they had been abandoned.
Parental alienation is not a child custody issue. Oh no. It’s a child protection issue. Until we can protect your children, we cannot ask them to reveal their authenticity and the authenticity of their love for you. It’s too dangerous for them in the hostage world in which they live. You must first protect your child. This isn’t a battle against parental alienation. This is a battle for your children. This is a fight to protect your children, to rescue your children. I’m often asked by parents, what can I do to restore my relationship with my child? But that’s the wrong question and it portrays that you don’t really understand the nature of the problem. If your child shows their authentic love for you, if your child doesn’t reject you with sufficient display, they’ll face a withering psychological retaliation from your ex, from the narcissistic borderline parent, you’re essentially asking ‘Dr. Childress, help me to more fully expose my child to psychological child abuse?’ I won’t help you do that. You must first protect your children. That’s our first obligation. Then and only then can we ask your children to become authentic once more. Only when we’re able to protect your children, can we ask them to show their love for you.
The first obligation of an authentic parent is to protect your children. Your children are being held hostage and they’re being psychologically abused. You must rescue your children from their emotional and psychological abuse. But you can’t. You cannot protect your children and that’s your first problem. But why can’t you protect your children? You love your children dearly. You want to protect them, you’re fighting to protect them, but you can’t. Why not? Because the systems that should be your allies in protecting your children, the mental health system and the legal system have abandoned you. They’re broken systems. Without them, you don’t have enough power to protect your children, to rescue your children from psychological abuse. That’s your second problem. You are powerless to protect your children because of the systems you need to enact that protection have failed you. Chief among these systems is the mental health system. It’s the mental health system that should recognize the pathology, that’s our job. It’s the mental health system which should recognize the psychological child abuse. But they haven’t. The mental health system has abandoned you and your children to their abuse. And that’s unconscionable.
In order to protect your children, you’ll also need the power of the legal system in order to enact the rescue of your children from their hostage taker. Only the legal system has the power to order the rescue of your children, but the legal system has also failed you. It bleeds you of money, but to no avail. It too abandons your children to their abuse.
Without the support of the mental health and legal systems, you don’t have the power to protect your children from their emotional and psychological abuse. And if you cannot protect your children, you cannot recover your children’s authenticity. Your children must sacrifice their authenticity to the narcissistic borderline parent in order to psychologically survive with the pathology of this parent.
In order to solve parental alienation, you must first be able to protect your children. Parental alienation is first and foremost a child protection issue. In order to protect your children, you must have the support of the mental health and legal systems. Without their support, there’s nothing you can do. Without the support of the mental health and legal systems you are powerless to protect your children. And if you’re powerless to protect your children then your children must do what they must in order to survive in the psychologically dangerous world in which they’d been abandoned.
The solution is that we must fix the broken systems so that you are empowered to be able to protect your children. Once you have the power to protect your children, once you’re able to rescue your children from their psychological and emotional abuse, then and only then can we recover your children’s authenticity.
That’s why you are all in this together. We cannot solve this for any one family unless we solve it for all families. We first need to fix the systems that dis-empower you from protecting your children. We must first reclaim the mental health system as your ally in fighting the pathology and then use the power of this new ally to obtain from the legal system the protection your children need. As long as the mental health system abandons you and your children, you’ll have no power in the legal system. If you have no power, you’ll be unable to protect your children. And if you cannot protect your children then you cannot ask them to reveal their authentic love for you. If they reveal their authentic love for you, their hostage taker will exact terrible revenge on them. If you ask your children to reveal their love for you, yet you cannot protect them, then you are simply exposing them more fully to their abuser.
You must first protect your children but you cannot do this alone. You alone cannot change the mental health system. You wait for someone to rescue you as your children wait for someone to rescue them, but no one comes. Why doesn’t anyone come to rescue you, which is the same question your children are asking, why doesn’t anyone come to rescue them? You must come to rescue their children. But how can you rescue your children, you’re just one person alone and powerless against the systems that won’t listen, won’t act. Nonsense. You are more powerful than you know but not alone. We cannot rescue your children, your family, if we do not fix the mental health response to parental alienation. And when we fixed the mental health response, we’ll fix it for all children, for all families. We cannot rescue your individual child until we rescue all of the children. You’re all in this together. There is your power.
Don’t ask me, what can I do to regain my child’s love? Ask me instead, what can we do to protect our children? For seven years I’ve worked for you and your children towards this day. I forged for you a tool, a way, a weapon to use in the fight for the recovery and rescue of your children, to protect your children. I’m not your lawyer, I’m your weapon. But don’t look for someone to rescue you because then you’re helpless. Then you’re a victim. With the right weapon and proper strategy, you’re strong enough and powerful enough to rescue your children from their abuse. Are you kidding me? You’re fighting for your children. You are fierce and determined. You are powerful when you come together.
In this video series, I’ll describe for you the weapon you have available to you in reclaiming your children. And I’ll describe for you the strategy you can use to recover mental health as your ally so that you can then protect your children and recover your authentic children, all of your children. Because only if we rescue and recover all of your children will we be able to rescue and recover your specific child.
You must understand this, and this is critical, we’re all in this together. We cannot solve parental alienation in one case, for any one specific child or any one specific family, unless we solve parental alienation for all children in all families. And when we solve it for all families, we solve it for your specific family, for your specific child. And this is important too, you cannot wait for someone to rescue, you are not a victim who needs to be rescued, you are the child’s authentic parent who needs to rescue your child. You’re not a victim in need of being rescued. You’re the hero who will do the rescuing. You are fierce and determined and powerful. All you need is the right weapon and the right strategy and you are an unstoppable force. You are fighting for your children. And there’s no more powerful force on this planet than an authentic parent who is fighting for your children.
You are unstoppable. All you need is the right weapon and the right strategy, and that’s what I’m going to give you in this series of videos. The coming battle is recover mental health. Once mental health is your ally, we’ll turn next to the legal system to recover your power to protect your children. The mental health speaks with a single voice. The legal system will be able to act with a decisive clarity necessary to protect your children. Once we’re able to protect your children, then we can recover your children’s authenticity. Then and only then can we recover your children’s authentic love for you. And in truth that last part is easy. Once we’re able to protect your children, recovering their authentic love for you, oh, that’s the easy part. Believe me, you’ve got that totally covered, but first you must protect your children.
This isn’t a battle against parental alienation, this is a battle to protect your children. This isn’t a battle against parental alienation, this is a battle for your children. This is a battle to protect and rescue your children. And in this battle you are not a victim who is in need of being rescued. Oh no, you are a fierce and determined hero, the child’s authentic parent who’s going to rescue your children from the psychological abuse by the other parent.
Time to find your power and to engage this battle, to protect and rescue your children. It’s time to get your children back.