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2020 reactive splitting Rejected Parents

 

​In recent articles I have been talking about splitting, a defense mechanism which is used by the alienated child to cope with the intolerable situation in which they cannot love both of their parents.

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Whatever the reason they are getting the message that it is not ok to love both parents, splitting is the defense that comes into play to resolve the problem.

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Splitting as a defense mechanism is accompanied by denial and projection, two more defense mechanisms which come into play when someone is unable to tolerate the dynamics in the outside world around them.                                         

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Johnstone and Robey (1997, P.204) suggested that the alienated child is likely to have sustained early developmental damage and indeed, in clinical work with families, it becomes apparent that alienated children are likely to be already vulnerable to the adult feelings and behaviors around them.

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The splitting which occurs as a defense, occurs in the child first and is then projected outwards onto the parents.

 

In working with children of all ages who have entered into a hyper-aligned and rejecting pattern of behavior, this is the one clear sign which denotes that their behavior is a defense mechanism.

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Projection is a valuable tool in understanding the internal experience of the person suffering, and it is denoted by the intensity of focus upon another and the denial in the self of what is being seen in others.

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Projection is used by people who do not know themselves very well, by the undeveloped personality and those with low self-esteem. Being unable to handle positive and negative feelings about the self, being placed in a position of being unable to express the self or resolve problems, projection comes into play in order to resolve the tension this creates.​

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A child aged between 8 and 14 is in the throes of developing a knowledge of self and if this child is already vulnerable due to hidden developmental trauma for example:

- their ability to build the blocks of self-confidence is interrupted, - if the child is providing regulatory support for a parent,

- if the child is exposed to high levels of anxiety in the inter-psychic relationship with a parent

- and if the child cannot express the tensions this causes for them, splitting of the difficult feelings from the conscious mind is a distinct possibility.

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When the splitting of difficult feelings takes place, the child divides their own internalized sense of self into good and bad first.

This means that they divide their self-identification with  both of their parents into two distinct parts... and (they) deny the negative, (while) leaving (only the positive in) their conscious mind.            *i reworded that to make better sense....

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When the projection begins, the positive is projected at a parent who is the major cause of the tensions around the child, either through active or passive influence. This parent receives that projection of positivity with gratitude, relieved that the child has ‘picked me’. The negative feelings are then projected at the parent who is being rejected.

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One of the most common phrases heard in clinical work with aligned parents is "she/he has come to a point where he/she recognizes how bad/controlling/difficult the rejected parent is. I am not going to force him/her to see that parent when he/she has just realized this."

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What is being expressed here, is the relief that the child has aligned their views and experience with the parent and that they are now fused in a defensive coalition which calms the aligned parent and keeps them feeling safe.

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The onset of splitting in divorce and separation begins in the child and is projected outwards at the parents.

This means that the child now identifies those elements of the self which are connected to the rejected parent, as being bad things and sees them only in that parent.

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Receiving this negative projection, the parent is at first bewildered and then angry, confused, and then distressed, frustrated, and then anxious, and eventually disorientated as they enter into a reactive splitting of the self.

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This splitting of the self in rejected parents manifests as a distinct pattern of behaviors (feeling spaced out, uncertain about memories, emotionally vulnerable, and strong feelings of helplessness which some liken to feeling as if they are drowning).

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All of these feelings are symptomatic of trauma in which the negative projection from the child, has triggered concentric circles of negative projections from professionals, friends and family, and the wider world.​

 

When I first began working with rejected parents, I noticed a pattern of numbness and disconnection from their own sense of self as a parent. I wondered where the parent in them had disappeared to? In the place of the parent appeared to be a harmed child who was bewildered and highly anxious and in need of support and stabilization.

 

I understand now that this is the result of living with hidden trauma and the hidden trauma is the negative projection that rejected parents are being forced to carry every day of their lives.

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Negative projection carries with it the force of all that is being denied by the person projecting it and thus it is full of toxicity and can knock you off balance.

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If your child is projecting that you are harmful, scary, dangerous and a thoroughly bad person, this is not about you, it is about the strength of the messaging, both covert and overt, the child has been subjected to. The stronger the projection, the stronger the messaging. The stronger the messaging the more the child has had to raise the defenses in order to survive.​​

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WHAT DOES covert & overt mean?

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co·vert

adjective

/ˈkōvərt,kōˈvərt/

1. not openly acknowledged or displayed, secret or hidden, private, furtive, clandestine, surreptitious, or stealthy.

   "covert operations against the dictatorship"

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o·vert

/ōˈvərt,ˈōvərt/

adjective

1. done or shown openly; plainly or readily apparent, not secret or hidden, open to view or knowledge; not concealed, in full view, obvious, undisguised, unconcealed, plain to see, public.

   "an overt act of aggression"

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KIM Oct, 2023:

I think you have been through trauma and you keep yourself reliving it and living in it.

The book is hard to read but you will get to the end of the book where this beautiful women explains we all have choices to our own behavior.

You keep letting the past control you.

I too have PTSD, not necessarily from the years of being a part of your sadness and loss and the courts and Steve

but from the years of your outbursts and things you have said to me

but mostly from watching you destroy your life by living in the past and the trauma.

 

Not trying to hurt you as I know where it comes from but I watch you continuously sabotage your life to get back at Steve and you continue to blame Steve.

 

I can’t listen about Steve and all he did as I have said before. It’s understandable why you continue to call Steve out but it is part of my PTSD when you mention him.

 

I don’t know if you understand that a part my life has been destroyed too.

I have made choices so I can try to live my life to the fullest but my PTSD is real and I have my own issues because of what I witnessed, lived through years of your trauma and still am living through.

You are my twin and I love you very much and wish more than anything you could live a happy life and find joy.

You asked what I feel and think so I hope this didn’t upset you.  

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Negative projection is harmful to your well-being. Think of it as a stream of vexatious and malicious negativity that is being beamed your way, capturing in it others who have no idea that it is a projection, who spend their time examining you to see what it is about you that is so wrong.

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Naive practitioners spend an awful lot of time working on the rejected parent to try and make them better parents because they too have fallen into the negative projection stream.

Friends and family may do the same.

The problem with negative projection is that the louder you scream, "It’s NOT ME", the more everyone believes that your denial hides the truth.

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Carrying negative projections can be exhausting and it is vital that anyone in this position gets help to cope with the impact of this.

 

(One of the ways that you can help yourself in these circumstances is to stay away from online groups which mirror the heroes and villains’ theme which denotes that splitting is in play.)

 

The world is not about heroes and villains. It is not about good and bad. All people do good and bad things, stuff happens and in the case of alienation, it is not well understood as it should be – yet. But we are getting there.   ......my own words about this!!!

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and in the case of alienation, it is not well understood as it should be – yet. But we are getting there.   ......my own words about this!!!

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One way of coping is to deeply understand the problem of splitting and denial and projection.

As I said I would, I am going to share with you resources that can help you on this journey of recovery and resilience building so that you can provide for your child the healthy parenting they desperately need.

 

And even if you can only signal to your child that you are still here, using this healthy approach, in which you help yourself back to health first and then stay buoyant and resilient in the face of the projections, and that is enough for now.

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and that is enough for now.

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THIS PART ABOUT EMOTIONS & HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS & REGULATING MYSELF MORE EASILY is PAA, the FEELINGS & NEEDS List and NVC stuff and that positive site saved in my therapy plan!

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So to begin this new journey of building resilience, much more of which is coming in the Autumn in the shape of an exciting new development for the Lighthouse Project, here is a short film about emotions.    (

 

Starting from the beginning, we will examine all of those things which make for healthy relationships and build these up to support you to understand more, learn how to regulate yourself more easily, recover more strength, and build a lighter, brighter, more resilient self.

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Because as the other half of your child’s identity, you are the person best placed to offer them health and integration in their own recovery.

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FILM                       YOUTUBE LINK       https://youtu.be/SJOjpprbfeE