Working Step 1 Questions

1. Do I accept that I cannot control another person's alienating behavior? Another person's behavior?

   Yes. There is nothing I can to stop ANYONE's behavior. All I can do is control MY behavior.

2. How do I recognize that the alienator is an individual with habits, characteristics, and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different than mine?

   We were as different as night and day except for our humor so it’s always been easy to recognize he is an individual very much different myself. He is a separate person that refused to let me breastfeed our daughter at 7 months pregnant. He is that person that I am not. Over 21 years of knowing he is a different person than I am. It’s been easy to me to always see myself vs others as individuals by just being an identical mirror imagine twin.

3. Do I accept that alienation is a disease? How does that change how I deal with an alienator?

   Yes, I accept that alienation is a disease. I know that is a transgenerational PA trauma. It helps a lot with my daughter's and stepson's alienating behavior. It helps to a degree with dealing with my immediate family's behavior. Reworking Step 1 and joining this sponsorship pod is already extremely helpful with seeing it in a new angle in concerns with my mom and sisters and I already know that this too will improve greatly with processing this as a disease with them all. It even helps to see my piece in the disease where I contribute to it and have been so emotional and try to talk about what I and my daughter have gone through with expecially my immediate family that I have made the alienation worse because not so much in the past couple of years but I keep trying to talk and have my voice heard about things to people who just don’t want to hear any of it. It’s a cycle that I’m also contributing to it no matter what way it is. But as for this father, disease or not, is It does NOT help in the slightest alienation being a disease in regards to him which alienation is probably the lesser of two evils with professionals who know my situation and what he has done already has stated not only is he a narcissist that has alienated the kids but is also a psycho-path. And I do not care about him with his diseases that this man has because of his of his life long extreme dangerous and damaging actions of his decade long spree of OFPs. HROs and criminal charges to destroy my life has left me until the age of 92 years before I am free of him and more criminal charges charges with just one more simple lie that that he already tried to get a 50 year OFP against me to keep my daughter from me past the age I don’t even excpect myself to live with an adjoining false felony charge while trying to be his star witness to testify against me claiming I had told my daughter that I WANTED TO KILL HER and told HIM that I said I wanted to KILL HIM, multiple times on separate occassions. THANK GOD this head judge for all of this just left our case after 7 years to become to the next Supreme Court Justice and it took 2 new judges and 3 years to finally stop him. Thats not even the worst of what he did to me… it’s what he did to my daughter and finally finding all her medical records that she is going to see one day that he falsely accused me of a having a MATERNAL DRUG PROBLEM! This is what he did to her with no care. I do not care what he has done to me, it what all of this has done to her and will continue to do to her for as long as she lives I do not care what diseases this man has… it changes nothing to change anything because of his diseases and it’s equilvant to thinking a phedodile’s disease should ever change anything to anybody just because it’s a disease. These types of these diseases that are this these life long dangerous behaviors and actions that come from their diseases against a innocent child and an innocent mother is inhumane.

4. How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?

   I think the biggest thing I’ve done in my life to change people is to try to please others so they would like me then also not to leave me. I had an eating disorder for most of my life and really believed at one time if I was skinny than I would be loved. It nearly killed me or on the way to that. For alienation I think or at least thought if I could talk to them about it that I could fix it but it almost always leads to a blown out fight or them alienating me even more.

5. What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?

   I tried to ask and talk about what I need and want but it usually again just blows up into a fight or silence. Again, this depends on who I’ve tried to talk to about that. I have had/have excellent therapists that I can/have talked to about my needs and wants and for the most part they’ve been excellent listeners and have always had great feedback but that’s a 50 minute appointment once a week. I know for decades I've tried to write about my needs and wants for myself and to try to communicate with others that way when verbal communication hasn’t worked. Right now I think the best thing and safest thing is to keep talking to my therapists and concrete on using my PAA Sponsorship pod & continue writing on my website. Also for my communication needs I want to keep continuing using and learning NVC along with using the Feelings & Needs list for those that I have hard time communicating with so there a better chance I am felt heard and have a better chance of not having conflict rising out of a situation that is still very raw and emotional.

6. How do I feel when the alienator refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?

   I feel hopeless and very very sad and misunderstood. I don’t just FEEL like I’m constantly being disposed of for every reason, I constantly am actually being disposed of and silenced if I try to say anything or have a voice. I do not agree with any of this but it’s very sickening to deal with and I mostly just don’t really try to say much anymore to many people anymore… but I do write it. I do talk to my therapists and very much feel heard. Again that a paid 50 minute appointment. My reactions have progressed over the last 21 years. It depends who it’s with. If I get shut down and am silenced I almost immediately start to cry and feel anger. If it was the ex then I used to try to talk about it and express myself, actually defend because his famous go to words were that I was having a psychotic mental episode so I would try to discuss that I was not having a psychotic mental episode and that always made it worse the threat was always what would happen if I tried to ever say anything about it or talk about it. Then it would escalate and it fueled him to get me more reactive and gave him a better claim to say or show anyone and everyone to say SEE? LOOK AT HER! After years not even my twin sister believed what was happening in the courts anymore claiming, “there is no way that this or that could happen!” Again I would try to talk about THAT and discuss it by saying, Why would I lie about that? There are records about it (and never ending records to mention about false things) and the more I would try to discuss it the more nobody would listen and just didn’t want to hear any of it or KNOW ANY OF IT. Then I’d react the same with crying and trying to defend myself. The more I got shut down I would become angry at my breaking point and got into a horrible reaction of swearing. Yes, always made it worse. I sure wish PAA was invented when I needed it the most back then.

7. What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alienator or anyone else?

   I would certainly be in very different place than I am right now. Things changed for me a few years ago with not really knowing that I was making everything worse and I’ve worked hard to build on that but obviously I have so much work to do on this still and it’s really made a difference doing this, this time around and doing 90 meetings in 90 days and joining this PAA Sponsorship Pod.

8. How can I let go of others' problems instead of trying to solve them?

   I can try to remember to use PAA slogan sayings. I can set boundries for myself and try to keep a balance of what I can do and what I can't do.

9. Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?

   I would love to find a quick fix to my problems but I am not actually looking for a quick fix because I don't really think for the most part there are actually quick fixes unless it's small materlistic things that really don't mean much.

10. In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?

    I do for my daughter. I always will.

11. In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else's behavior?

    I actually feel shameful or embarrassed for some of my family's behavior. I do not understand how they can just so carelessly dispose me. If they do this to me then what do they do with others? People deserve to be treated like humans and not something you just throw away when you don't agree with them. Also, with their lack of empthy.

    
    

12. What brought me into PAA? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?

    So I wouldn't feel so alone.

13. Who has expressed concern to me about my behaviors? My health? My children? Give examples.

    My family expressions concerns about me all the time. It's like they think I'm an absolute idiot most of the time. They don't actually express concern, they tell what I am, What I am not. What I did wrong. What I need to do.

14. How do I know when my life is unmanageable?

    When I fall into depression.

15. How have I sought approval and affirmations from others?

    Trying to lose weight. Walking on egg-shells. Paying for things.

16. Do I say "yes" when I want to say "no"? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?

I do this sometimes but not that often but when I do it stresses me out and it takes a toll on me.

17. Do I take care of others easily, but find it hard to care for myself?

    Yes

18. How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?

    I like it when life going smooth but then sometimes it seems like I will intentionally self-sabatoge it because I know or feel like I know something wrong is probably going to happen and for some reason I would rather ruin it myself rather than have someone else ruin it for me. It seems to hurt less. I don't feel more alive in a crisis much anymore but I use to.

19. How well do I take care of myself?

    Not all that well.

20. How do I feel when I am alone?

    I'm totally fine feeling alone. Feeling alone and feeling lonely are 2 seperate things.

21. What is the difference between pity and love?

    Pity is feeling sorry for someone. Love is love! I'm confused about this question.

22. Am I attracted to alienators (etc) and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?

    I more likely attract others who want to try to fix me or resuce me from something.

23. Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?

    Yes.