Extreme Severe Parental Alienation & Trans-Generational PA Trauma
The Silence Has Come to an End.
BLOG CATAGORIES
I really do not feel like dealing with emotional stuff right now. It just feels too overwhelming. That doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t do it… Mayve I need to go through it, but why? Why should I process anymore of this hell? What good would it do anymore at this point? I feel like it only makes me being retraumaized upon the traumazing pieces of my life and her life…
What an alienated child wants their parent to know:
I think about you more than you know.
I’m not angry at you.
I’m confused.
I don’t know how to be in two worlds at the same time.
Nobody taught me.
And nobody around me seems to understand how hard I am trying.
When you reach out…
even when I don’t respond…
I know you reached.
I need you to not need anything from me right now.
Because I am already so full.
I need you to stay.
Just steady.
Just there.
I need the version of you that feels like an open door…
not a door I have to decide whether to walk through right now.
I am finding my way back toward you.
In the only direction and at the only speed available to me right now.
Please don’t stop leaving the light on.
Parents, tell me in the comments how you’re doing.
I’m right here.
This is written from a perspective I know intimately, from the inside of what an alienated child is holding.
I was that child. And these are the things I could not say, in the words I did not have, to the parent who kept leaving the light on.
I thought about you more than you knew.
I wasn’t angry. I was confused in a way that looked like anger from the outside, because I was a child with no language for what I was navigating.
I needed you to stay. Steadily. Like an open door I didn’t have to decide to walk through.
And when you reached toward me, I knew. It registered. It became part of the evidence I was slowly collecting about whether reaching back was survivable.
Parents, you are building something in this silence. It is real even when it is invisible.
YES, Ryan helps.. The others help. I feel like I just still can not breathe. I want my baby back. Then I want my stepson back. I want my babies back and there is nothing I can do. I go back to the senrirty prayer. Always. I want my babies in my my life and god, I can not make that happen.
As reminder the homework is to get a copy of the book "Paths to Recovery" and something to journal in and take a look at the beginning of step 1 and journal on anything that stands out to you.
I had bought my used "Paths to Recovery" book from Amazon which had chapter 1 ripped out so I was able to find it online. That actually turned out to be the best possible thing for me because I was able to paste the chapter on my website where I'm doing my journaling and physically go through each sentence changing the Al-anon/alcoholism words to the PAA/parental alienation words. Seeing the actual change of words on my site actually made a big difference to me in terms of accepting powerless in a new way.
I think it was the personal stories that really hit home for me. I have seem to adapted pretty well to being powerless when it comes to my daughter's and stepson's alienation and easier yet to this narcissist abusive ex-husband over the last 21+ years, but it hasn't been that easy to admit being powerless to my own immediate family's alienation of me. Clearly just by last week with me crying my life especially right now with my immediate family my life is unmanageable. I got into a text argument with my older sister and she said "she can't be compassionate with my feelings" and I just left it by responding, "No shit!" and I went into our meeting already hysterical. I was trying to fix(!) WHATEVER with us... trying to control it and it left me in a complete mess again. It reminds me of the one personal story that said this, "It took time for me to admit that even though I didn’t do the alienation, the disease could come through me and affect other people. As time passed and I learned more, I came to recognize that anything I contacted could be affected by the alienation coming through me. My reactions to other things could be the same as the ways I reacted to the drinking. I began to see how my own reactions had made my life unmanageable. I saw how my role of martyr had taken a sense of responsibility away from other people and lowered their egos. I saw how I had done this not only to the alcoholic, but also to other people in my life." Now, I don't really understand the word MARTYR but I know it was a word my mom would say to my dad growing up. I just have a feeling that I think this story might be my case with my other sister. I am not sure though.
I have some questions about how does PAA exchange Al-anon's words in these 2 statements?
Some alienators try to convince family members that they are not alienating by using alienation only on weekends or by abstaining for a limited time. HOW DOES PAA WORD THIS STATEMENT?
The compulsion to alienate usually returns.
The only way to arrest the disease is total abstinence. Many alcoholics successfully recover through a variety of treatments. The Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) program is generally regarded as the most effective. Our experience shows that we cannot force someone to stop drinking. This is an individual choice of the alcoholic. HOW DOES PAA WORD THIS STATEMENT?
..............................................................................................................................................................................................
WAIT! I ACTUALLY FOUND Parts of Chapter 1 ONLINE (thanks https://www.alanonspain.org/step_one.html)! PAA uses Al-Anon and substitutes the word parental alienation instead of alcoholism.
(Below is an excerpt from Chapter 1 of Paths to Recovery - Al-Anon's core text. The book explains Al-Anon's simple 12-step programme of recovery. Step 1 is a useful introduction for those not familiar with our fellowship)
Step One: We admitted we were powerless over people (our alienator, our children and any other people)– that our lives had become unmanageable.
Many of us come to Al-Anon filled with despair and hopelessness. Some of us come to find out how to stop another person's alienation; others grew up in alienated homes or left alienating partners and no longer live with parental alienation. We may not see the impact of having lived with alienation until we begin to acknowledge that there are familiar difficulties in our present lives and relationships. Many of us would not have voluntarily walked through the doors of Parental Alienation Anonymous (Al-Anon) if we were not in some sort of crisis or pain that forced us to seek help.
Though we may not have labeled it this way, we come to Parental Alienation Anonymous (Al-Anon) because our lives are unmanageable – we come looking for relief. The first word of the First Step illustrates an important concept in PAA recovery: We are not alone. In our early meetings, we realize this is true. As the PAA Suggested Welcome says, “We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alienation understand as perhaps few others can. We, too, were lonely and frustrated, but in PAA we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alienator is still alienates or not.” Just hearing those words may help us to feel that there is hope for us, too.
Once we acknowledge that someone else’s alienation has affected our lives, we may want to blame everything on the alienation. We are sure there must be something more we can say or do that will convince the alienator to stop alienating, thus resolving our problems. We have no idea that we are as powerless over alienation as the alienator is. Not understanding that alienation is a disease, many of us have tried to take things into our own hands. We may have made excuses, nagged, pleaded, protected or punished the alienators in our lives. We may have hidden our feelings, isolated and avoided contact with the alienator, thinking our problems would go away. We may have taken over the alienator’s unfinished projects, answered phone calls or covered his or her mistakes. No matter what we did, our lives did not improve and the alienator did not change.
In order to take the First Step and admit our powerlessness over parental alienation, we need first to understand and accept that Parental Alienation is a disease. Medical authorities agree that alienation is a progressive disease that can be arrested, but not cured – it is a lifetime disease. One symptom is an uncontrollable desire alienate; as long as an alienator continues to alienate, that desire will increase.
Some alienators try to convince family members that they are not alienating by using alienation only on weekends or by abstaining for a limited time. HOW DOES PAA WORD THIS STATEMENT?
The compulsion to alienate usually returns.
The only way to arrest the disease is total abstinence. Many alcoholics successfully recover through a variety of treatments. The Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) program is generally regarded as the most effective. Our experience shows that we cannot force someone to stop drinking. This is an individual choice of the alcoholic. HOW DOES PAA WORD THIS STATEMENT?
Parental Alienation is a family disease. This means “. . . the alienation of one member affects the whole family, and all become sick. Why does this happen? Unlike diabetes, alienation not only exists inside the body of the alienator but is a disease of relationships as well. Many of the symptoms of Parental Alienation are in the behavior of the alienator. The people who are involved with the alienator react to his behavior. They try to control it, make up for it, or hide it. They often blame themselves for it and are hurt by it. Eventually they become emotionally disturbed themselves.” (from Alateen – Hope for Children of Alcoholics, page 6)
In PAA meetings we hear the three Cs describing our powerlessness over parental alienation: we didn’t cause it, can’t cure it, and can’t control it. We begin to learn the basic PAA premise of taking our focus off of the alienation and keeping the focus on ourselves. Hard as it is to look at our own part in our problems, acceptance of Step One brings relief from impossible responsibilities. We were trying to fix a disease – and someone else’s disease at that!
To find peace and serenity in our lives, we have to change – a challenging, and perhaps fearful, thought. We may have to re-learn to take care of ourselves. When we are focused on another person’s parental alienation and behavior, many of us develop the habit of putting that person’s needs first. We may suffer from low self-esteem and not believe that we deserve to take time for ourselves. Whether we judge ourselves as good or bad doesn’t atter; we are always defeated by parental alienation.
In PAA, we will find help. Admitting our powerlessness may be very difficult for us. After all, we are the competent ones who held the family, the job or the world together while the alienators in our lives created chaos. How can it be that we, the responsible ones, are powerless? In PAA, we come to understand that our lives may be unmanageable because we are trying to control the people and situations in our lives. It can be hard to conceive that our well-meaning efforts have been part of the problem, but by the time we reach PAA, we are finally ready to try something – anything – new. We have to admit that nothing we do or don’t do can control another person’s alienation. How can we help an alienator? In PAA we learn to accept the things we cannot change (the alienation) and change the things we can (ourselves).
To recover we have to learn to keep the focus on ourselves. As we look back on our lives, we are asked to acknowledge our powerlessness over alienation, the alienator, our children and other people and every person and event we sought to control by our own will power. By letting go of the illusion of control over other people, their actions and their alienation, we find an enormous burden is lifted and we begin to discover the freedom and the power we do possess – the power to define and live our own lives. Unmanageability lessens. We begin to see the paths to our own recovery. In PAA we discover principles that work for us and help us relate to others. PAA helps us learn new ways to have healthy relationships in all areas of our lives. Step One reminds us of our proper relationship with others – we are powerless over them. It places us in correct relationship with ourselves – when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives. Step One is the true beginning of our path to recovery.
(© Al-Anon Family Groups - reproduced with permission)
It was the Al-Anon personal story about the man involved in this woman’s life with an explosive temper while driving. She writes…
Initially I felt positive my friend was really angry at something I said or did, or at something I had failed to say or do. I was positive I was at fault. Surely, I could fix what was happening. At the very least, I could control the level of his explosion. So, I would get angry and point out his indiscretions on the road, such as not using turn signals when he changed lanes. I chattered about other things to distract his attention from what had occurred. I thought surely there was something I could do to remove my feelings of guilt. Just by being there, I had to have done something that sparked his anger.
Someone in Al-Anon shared the 3 C’s with me. I didn’t cause it; I can’t control it; I can’t cure it. Slowly a new perspective, attitude and behavior crept into my awareness. When I thought about it, I could see I hadn’t caused the situation. I wasn’t driving the other car and I hadn’t provoked any anger. I began turning my face toward the passenger window, repeating over and over inside my head “I didn’t cause it. I didn’t cause it. During this recitation, my stomach flipped-flopped all over the place. Declining to take responsibility for my friend’s temper was new for me. It gave me a very uncomfortable feeling.
Even though I was completely convinced that I hadn’t caused his inappropriate behavior, I still had an overwhelming desire to control or cure what was happening. Once again, I had to sit and feel the discomfort from letting go of his temper tantrums. I watched his behavior over many weeks and I realized that he wasn’t concerned with the behavior. He blew off steam and then acted like nothing unusual had happened. He didn’t seem to notice my old behavior of jumping right in to make things better or my new behavior of silence.
With my new awareness, I began to apply the three C’s in many different environments. Sometimes it was more difficult than others to handling the butterflies fluttering in my stomach. But I always survived after applying the three C’s in new situations. That gave me the courage to examine interactions in all areas of my life. I started to make conscious choices about what part I played in various situations. Eventually I learned to say that inappropriate temper tantrums upset me. I learned it was okay to take separate cars. To this day, I still use the three C’s. I am very grateful for many Al-Anon tools.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
It took time for me to admit that even though I didn’t do the alienation, the disease could come through me and affect other people. As time passed and I learned more, I came to recognize that anything I contacted could be affected by the alienation coming through me. My reactions to other things could be the same as the ways I reacted to the drinking. I began to see how my own reactions had made my life unmanageable. I saw how my role of martyr had taken a sense of responsibility away from other people and lowered their egos. I saw how I had done this not only to the alcoholic, but also to other people in my life.
I finally realized my life had become unmanageable because I was so busy taking care of others that I had no time to take care of me…………
